One’s Purpose In Life vs. What They Were Born To Do

I want to speak a little about life, and why we must make decisions that are/aren’t imperative towards progress in our futures.
  
This morning my husband left for Eastern WA to go do what he was born to do.

He hasn’t gone hunting since the first year I met him, just 9 years ago, and it has haunted me each year that has passed.

The last trip he went on, was also the weekend We (unknowingly) conceived what has come to be the most beautiful little 8 year old girl I’ve ever known.

He’s sacrificed one of his true callings for her and I.

From the moment she was born,

To the NICU stay for weeks,

To nearly losing her.

He sacrificed his dream career to have a stable one with reasonable hours so that he would be there for her.

Years have passed and every year he lost more of that man he was meant to be.

Although tested through many trials in his life, he’s always remained true to his purpose.

Let me clarify the differences between being born to do something, and what ones purpose in life are:

He’s a born leader,
A warrior,
A hunter.

Matthew has always shown leadership and strength in anything he has always done.

Some have mistaken his demeanor as cold and heartless.

I was even one to assume that at times throughout the years.

But when you take time to reflect on the true meaning of your life, (as I have this AM) I now SEE the differences…

He was born to do all these things Ive spoken of, but his true purpose is to be a father and a husband.

His path changed the day our daughter was born.

Neither of us regret any decisions we have made so far, and now with Guy Danger in our lives, we are especially cautious with the decisions we make for ourselves; so as to not stray from our true purposes in life due to our own selfish antics.

“There is nothing wrong with being selfish and wanting things for yourself…” He said this morning.

Matthew is right. 
And I fully supported him this year to make sure he would be doing exactly what he is this morning, which is driving over the mountain pass towards his true calling.

It is difficult at times to grasp a sense on reality when you fight to see that you must remain here for your Given Purpose, as opposed to what you desperately want to show the world and perhaps, prove to yourself.

But we stand strong, And we see our purposes now crystal clear. 

Although We may digress to challenge that at times. We both know that once in a while- 

Just like Matthew today, 

It’s a necessity to the purpose, to be a little selfish.
Bag a big one husband. I’m proud of you. Breathe in the air and let the animals come to you. ❤️

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Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

(HIS SIDE) I’m still here

      For anybody that is wondering I am indeed still here. 

  
 When I last wrote to you i was having a hard time finding a way to remain emotional but still handle Ashleys emotional swings. For those of you wondering what i have been talking about and I don’t know how I do this, but I can take all emotion out of things and replace it with logic and reason. The result of this is a cold but steady person and for many years this was beneficial to Ashley, but it is no way to live

     It has been a couple months now and i feel that with a little practice, patience and good communication i have found a happy medium. It is still overwhelming at times especially with our daughter’s condition getting worse, but I feel that I am becoming a better husband and father. Till next time when ever that is remember you are not alone.

Please Don’t Shut The World Out Again

I don’t know if this will help, and quite honestly I’m frightened to vlog, as the last one I did propelled someone to call CPS {everything is closed, no foundings were made- but it was extremely stressful and traumatic to go through}

My sweet husband is doing the only thing he knows to protect himself. And that is to shut his emotions off.
Perhaps this Vlog can help others in my situation, or their spouses see that it is never intentional, (hurting them emotionally) but the first step is to hold oneself accountable for those actions.
Only then, I truly believe that a person can begin to alter their emotional expression towards a loved one. 

I will always have selfish tendencies, as I am the only one who truly knows the abandonment I feel within my own mind. But I am here to cry out to the world, that I am here…

I promised him I would protect him. To never let him go back. And I feel I’m slowly failing.
My heart is with you Bear.

Take care everyone, and Stay Strong.

Beautiful Baby Girl, I’m So Sorry. {A Mothers Apology}

I’ve hurt Keira today.

image

My own conflicts with my mother from childhood are manifesting into our current reality.

And I hate myself for how I treat her.

If you haven’t read my post ‘But What About Me?’- I explained the plethora of diagnoses Keira has been given since the age of 3.

Developmental Delays

Speech Delays,

Social Emotional Regulation.

She is a borderline, we are certain of it. Knowing that has allowed us to validate the abandoned child within.

When Keira feels she is most alone, even though we are always present and near.

Her tendencies to act out above and beyond the standard curtain call if you will, is unreivalled by any other child I’ve ever known.

I am remembering more and more what type of child I was.

I had a vivacious tenacity to show everyone how talented I could be.

Any time there was a video camera around, I was front and center.

Along with that however, came a lack of validation.

I believe I had acknowledgement to things I was doing at the moment. But emotional validation? Where was that?

I am not posting about my childhood.

But I am posting that my childhood has severely affected how I parent Keira today.

She threw a tantrum today. Standard fit because she didnt get something right away.

I use a tactic of ignoring but validating her emotions at the same time.

”Keira, it must be frustrating feeling that way, but you cannot act like this, hold yourself accountable for your actions, and then we can speak together about your feelings…”

I’ve been making extreme progress the last two weeks with our daughter.

Today, I slaughtered that progress simply because I wasnt regulating my emotional state of mind.

I CHOSE to retaliate and attack.

Belittle,

Say hurtful things.

Taunt her.

What kind of a mother am I?

Who does that to their child?

After she finally came out (much cohersing) of her room, I asked her to watch the video from the day her father and I got married.

It was one of the happiest days of her life as well..

I kissed her forehead gently.

Told her many times how beautiful she is and was that day.

Validation for Keira is everything to her in her world.

Once it was over, we were both crying.

My daughters eyes were red and swollen. She had a pain within which I can only read.

She loves me. She only ever wants to love me and make me proud.

I humiliated her and broke her heart.

She told me I was tearing her apart.

Multiple times she said this in a state of hysteria, yet I continued to say things like ‘spoiled brat’ and ‘drama queen.’

My mother has left some massive scars from my childhood.

She never held me like I do Keira.

She was never affectionate.

A hug to her still to this day, is a light hearted tap on the back.

I’ve never told her this, but I loathe that hug.

I allowed the inner child who so strongly despises her mother but desperately needs her affection to take control of my abilities to be a mother.

Keira and I held one another and cried.

I apologized profuselfy and told her I was never loved this way so I’m still learning  how to lover her the way she wants me to.

Accountability.

On both our parts.

My daughter is wiser beyond her  years emotionally.

And  we just did social/emotional regulation all on her own…

She has no clue she is using DBT, she’s already starting learning she wants to be happy.

She doesn’t want to suffer..

Never take your childrens time for granted.

You never know when the last time will be that you speak with them.

Hug the ones you love a little tighter today.

Stay Strong.