{Confessions Of An Exhausted Mother}

I’m burnt out. Matthew and I both are.


Most days I roll by without people knowing what goes on behind closed doors in our little world.

Keira has been on emergency suspension for 6 days now from school.

Her mood and aggression has been an extremely difficult task for Matthew and I to tame.

He’s been to work 2 days in the last two weeks.

A couple of his fellow employees contributed shared leave hours to help keep a portion of his salary intact.

Even though we refinanced the house and have less bills, the half salary is going to make things rough. 

Intermittent FMLA means exactly what it states. 

He stays home intermittently throughout the following year so as to help with emotional instabilities with Keira, or if one of us needs to remove Guy Danger from the home like I had yesterday to protect him from seeing/hearing the anger his sister has.

Suicide awareness is very apparent now at the tender age of barely 9.

I can no longer allow Keira to be in the back yard alone without supervision when she is in a negative state of mind.

Two days ago, she attempted to climb our white tree in the back yard from a chair.

When prompted with my question as to why she was climbing; her response,

“I want to climb high and jump off so I can snap my neck and be dead!”

We have always had a problem with Keira’s obsession with television/electronics.

Even she acknowledges it is a massive trigger for her, but like any heroine addict, once they get a small taste of it or even hear the word,
The obsession to have it begins.
I spent the better part of 5.5 hours with Matt yesterday; hearing Keira scream non stop threatening suicide, threatening to kill me, desperately attempting to say anything to get either of us to cave and allow her to have whatever she needs.

Now here’s the twist..

When Keira goes from manipulative tv Keira- to just plain irrational GONE Keira, there is zero reasoning, attempts to comfort her,
Physical relaxation or empathy that will let this child be at ease.

She will shriek for hours on ends, wallowing in self hate. 

If you try to walk near her she screams in severe terror; eyes scrunched shut wailing out we are going to kill her repetitively.

She also has a gift of making personal attacks against my physical features to break me down.

While I do not need to divulge the details of those, I will say, it is the equivalent of the worse bully bitch you had to fight in high school ( if you had experienced that at all)

She has an uncanny way to ooze under my skin and break me down. 
We both have taken a ‘no talk’ approach to her picking fights.

For some reason, the positive attention is not enough for Keira anymore and she has switched to deliberately attempting to make us frustrated or to pick fights by bringing up irrelevant subjects.

When Matthew is home with me, I have the chance to keep my armor intact by walking away for a moment and cleansing my mind with some calm soothing breaths.
That is just one thing that has been bothering Keira lately.

Electronics have always been something like a friend to her.

She prefers to live in the stories created through any shows than to live in her own realities.

As I watch Keira grow and see her mental state evolve, I experience flash backs of my childhood which help me empathize with her.

As traumatizing as they may be at times, I can attempt to at least tell her, ‘you’re not alone Keira.’

When I asked her why she was so angry all the time, my worst fear came alive in four small words,
“Because I hate myself.”

That right there, is how I started to feel about me at the age of 9.

Keira may be a Borderline along with massive sensory integration issues and perhaps some other symptoms.

Dr. Ford has hinted in the past that she may have symptoms of BPD. 

She also firmly believes most mental illnesses reside in genetics.

Needless to say, if she is a Borderline, it will not be an easy task. 

*Chuckles*
it hasn’t been the last 5 years. 
But we stand strong together, Matt and I, ready to keep fighting and persevering through the darkness of it all.

Word vomit was strong today but I’m hoping that after writing this, it may help keep my mental clarity strong and resilient for today’s battles.

She goes back to school tomorrow.
We’ve never cared the label of Keira’s illness, but we DO care about finding the right path to leading her down to success.
As always, take care.

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Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

Closure? Or Punishment? {A Mother’s Confessions}

It’s a desolate feeling knowing your child isn’t home with you.

  
Today we drove our first born child to a Hopsital which we willingly knew we wouldn’t be able to take her home from.

I’ve been walking for a few hours now.

I can’t emote.

No matter how hard I try to cry I cannot.

I feel lost.

Empty,

Broken.

I know in my heart I should be rejoicing knowing that for the first time in nearly 5 years of seeking answers to Keira’s condition and only receiving empty answers from medical professionals,  we’ve finally found a team who wants to help her.

But how is a parent to feel after the deed is done?

Keira knew what we were doing.
I let her choose what she wanted.

Deep down a part of me was desperately hoping she wouldn’t oblige. 

Having been inpatient twice in my life I know the feeling all too well when you’ve finally been admitted and your family leaves you.

But you see, we know they aren’t leaving us.



And yet the person cannot help but be grateful to those who have helped them, and at the same time feel a deep obligation to themselves to say Goodbye.



I don’t care what Keira is diagnosed with.
I know she’s been suffering more than any 8 year old should ever have to endure.
An outcast,

A seemingly beautiful and normal child to the outside world.

But you must understand that she wasn’t raised by a normal mother.

All her life she was subconsciously taught to mask her true emotions.

So much that she became the mask just as I had.

She has been internalizing a battle within which has up unto l recently, been one that even her father and I hadn’t known how severe it had been.

Please do not think this is by any means easy for Matthew and I to speak of so transparently to the world.

I’ve made it home finally.

After sitting on my stoop the last hour I realized it was time to go inside.
But you see, this home is not a home without her.
I’ve never realized how much our daughter has saved me up until recent weeks.
Such a queer disposition; explaining to the world that mental illness healed mental illness.
But there is no denying.

Keira has saved me from myself,
She is wiser beyond her years emotionally and yet she do desperately wishes to live the life of a child.
She deserves that much.
I know we’ll never be able to fully satisfy that, but I can only hope that those who love and accept her for all that she is, will do their damnedest to protect that inner child and allow her to flourish.
I grew up too quickly.

I had to to survive.
If there’s anything I know about Keira, It is that she is a warrior just as her father is.
Matthew may be strong, but he is feeling the sting from today’s act.
I know after a few days, he will have the ability to regulate far better than I will.
But no parent should ever have to do what we did today.
The one parent I could remotely seek solace in, has forgotten his experiences with me.

I don’t blame him.
She will be gone for a while.
I promised her I would see her as much as she desired to have her mother there.
I will fight to make Matt proud.
A weakness has consumed my mind and it has been egging me to give in.
To relapse.
I owe Keira that much to stay strong and resist self punishment.

Never take your children for granted.

If they are acting out, even if it pisses you off to no end,



VALIDATE their EMOTIONS.

Too many years did I treat her emotions poorly.
Far too many times did I write off all of her elaborate stories. 
I am listening now.
And yet I know she will always have an internal battle against wanting to push us out to punish us, and desperately needing our love and affection to nurture her.
Love your children. 

Hug them tighter each time you see them.
I think I needed to expel some word vomit so I could sleep.

I have an IEP meeting at her school tomorrow.

I am in hopes to wake up strong,

Knowing she is safe, and she is waiting to hear my voice.

You cannot possibly make up the things we’ve experienced in our lives together.

Matthew and I live a life movies are based on.

But it is a life I would never exchange.
And I am ready to show the world how selfless I can be.

By saving our daughter; just as she has saved me…

Stay Strong.

Please Don’t Shut The World Out Again

I don’t know if this will help, and quite honestly I’m frightened to vlog, as the last one I did propelled someone to call CPS {everything is closed, no foundings were made- but it was extremely stressful and traumatic to go through}

My sweet husband is doing the only thing he knows to protect himself. And that is to shut his emotions off.
Perhaps this Vlog can help others in my situation, or their spouses see that it is never intentional, (hurting them emotionally) but the first step is to hold oneself accountable for those actions.
Only then, I truly believe that a person can begin to alter their emotional expression towards a loved one. 

I will always have selfish tendencies, as I am the only one who truly knows the abandonment I feel within my own mind. But I am here to cry out to the world, that I am here…

I promised him I would protect him. To never let him go back. And I feel I’m slowly failing.
My heart is with you Bear.

Take care everyone, and Stay Strong.

Beautiful Baby Girl, I’m So Sorry. {A Mothers Apology}

I’ve hurt Keira today.

image

My own conflicts with my mother from childhood are manifesting into our current reality.

And I hate myself for how I treat her.

If you haven’t read my post ‘But What About Me?’- I explained the plethora of diagnoses Keira has been given since the age of 3.

Developmental Delays

Speech Delays,

Social Emotional Regulation.

She is a borderline, we are certain of it. Knowing that has allowed us to validate the abandoned child within.

When Keira feels she is most alone, even though we are always present and near.

Her tendencies to act out above and beyond the standard curtain call if you will, is unreivalled by any other child I’ve ever known.

I am remembering more and more what type of child I was.

I had a vivacious tenacity to show everyone how talented I could be.

Any time there was a video camera around, I was front and center.

Along with that however, came a lack of validation.

I believe I had acknowledgement to things I was doing at the moment. But emotional validation? Where was that?

I am not posting about my childhood.

But I am posting that my childhood has severely affected how I parent Keira today.

She threw a tantrum today. Standard fit because she didnt get something right away.

I use a tactic of ignoring but validating her emotions at the same time.

”Keira, it must be frustrating feeling that way, but you cannot act like this, hold yourself accountable for your actions, and then we can speak together about your feelings…”

I’ve been making extreme progress the last two weeks with our daughter.

Today, I slaughtered that progress simply because I wasnt regulating my emotional state of mind.

I CHOSE to retaliate and attack.

Belittle,

Say hurtful things.

Taunt her.

What kind of a mother am I?

Who does that to their child?

After she finally came out (much cohersing) of her room, I asked her to watch the video from the day her father and I got married.

It was one of the happiest days of her life as well..

I kissed her forehead gently.

Told her many times how beautiful she is and was that day.

Validation for Keira is everything to her in her world.

Once it was over, we were both crying.

My daughters eyes were red and swollen. She had a pain within which I can only read.

She loves me. She only ever wants to love me and make me proud.

I humiliated her and broke her heart.

She told me I was tearing her apart.

Multiple times she said this in a state of hysteria, yet I continued to say things like ‘spoiled brat’ and ‘drama queen.’

My mother has left some massive scars from my childhood.

She never held me like I do Keira.

She was never affectionate.

A hug to her still to this day, is a light hearted tap on the back.

I’ve never told her this, but I loathe that hug.

I allowed the inner child who so strongly despises her mother but desperately needs her affection to take control of my abilities to be a mother.

Keira and I held one another and cried.

I apologized profuselfy and told her I was never loved this way so I’m still learning  how to lover her the way she wants me to.

Accountability.

On both our parts.

My daughter is wiser beyond her  years emotionally.

And  we just did social/emotional regulation all on her own…

She has no clue she is using DBT, she’s already starting learning she wants to be happy.

She doesn’t want to suffer..

Never take your childrens time for granted.

You never know when the last time will be that you speak with them.

Hug the ones you love a little tighter today.

Stay Strong.

I’ll Never Forgive You. {Goodbye To A Loved One}

I’ve sheltered my hurt for too long.

image

There has been an anger within which gradually has been building up to such a degree that I am beginning to attack Matthew emotionally unintentionally.

I’ve also come to the conclusion now that if I do not express to the world how ill of a person you are and how you hurt our family, that I will eventually take that thriving hatred towards you and end up sabotaging my marriage or worse, fucking up my daugher (more than I already have emotionally) by neglecting her or passive aggressively belittling her when in reality, I want to hurt you.

It has been nearly two months since you defiled my child.

Matthew may be angry with me for posting this.

Someone I loved and trusted my entire life decided on May 5th, 2015, that our son wasn’t up to society’s standards.

We left our son in the hands of someone we had never questioned their safety or trust to go get our wedding rings tattooed to our fingers.

This person, related directly to me, took it upon herself to re- circumsize our son at 7 months of age.

Guy Danger was circumsized in the first week after birth.

The evening we brought him home, we had discovered that regardless of applying ointment before heading home, the gauze had fuzed itself to his penis.

After multiple calls to our OB and several attempts to free the gauze by means of warm compresses or more ointment, the only option was for Matthew to pull it free.

We were reassured he would be fine, but the image after has haunted me.

Our little boy crying hard, tears welling up in Matthew’s eyes as he comforted him; blood dripping down his chest.

It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced as a parent hands down.

Until May 5th that is…

I’ve tried to replay that day countless times, attempting to find a wormhole that would allow me to change history as we know it.

But we all know damn well that isn’t possible.

Rather than describe everything in solid detail from that day, (like the happy part where we watched each other place the last rings we’d ever wear on) I will jump to when Matthew and I went to pick up Guy.

My relative mentioned had been holding Guy. When I asked if I needed to change his diaper, she replied,

“No, but I will send you home with Vaseline for his penis.”

Confused by what she had stated, I naturally opened his diaper to see what was wrong.

I was shocked at what I had seen next.

His penis was severely swollen.

I reacted immediately telling Matthew that Guy had an infection and we needed to go to the doctor immediately.

The relative replied with a very calm and eerie demeanor,

“He does not have an infection. I fixed his penis.”

Even now as I am typing this out, my face is forming into the exact expression it had as those words seeped from her mouth.

Complete and utter hysteria was engrossing my mind.

And yet I stayed calm with my response.

So calm, I have questioned myself still to this day.

My heart was racing faster than I’d ever felt it beat before.

There was an overwhelming urge to hurt her.

But I just married Matthew…

We just admitted to everyone we knew how mentally ill I really was.

Call it a state of shock or an act of humility, but I told her very shortly and with a very calm voice,

” I would appreciate it if you would speak to me before doing something like that again.”

At that point, she proceeded to get up and walk away.

Meanwhile, Matthew and I started gathering Guy’s belongings to head home.

Her three children were in the kitchen and she was making them a snack.

As I was heading out the door, she was cutting apple slices.

Her head hanging downward and arms locked at an angle against her counter, she yelled at the two of us.

“I would never intentionally hurt your child.”

I explained to her that I never implied she would.

Her final statement is what drives my blood to boil even at this moment. It has been the impellent force which has thrusted me to attack Matthew and Keira unintentionally.

“He was deformed and nobody would love him.”

With tears streaming down her face and her children completely confused as to  why their mother was so distraught, we exited her home.

It is the last image I will ever have of my sisters face ever again.

The rest of the story since then is pretty well capable of summing up in a few paragraphs.

CPS was called anonymosly most likely by the M.D. who had examined Guys penis the next day.

The doctor had stated that slightly fused skin like that typically corrects itself.

He clarified against her reasoning (one of her sons had fusion in the first two weeks of life) that it didn’t negate correction should remotely be attempted like that at 7 months of age.

We knew our sons circumsicion had not healed to a text book standard.

It was indeed, slightly fused to the top his head.

Neither of us, after seeing how much blood was on Matthew’s chest the day we had to free the gauze, could follow through with pulling down to keep the skin from fusing on a daily basis.

But my sister decided he was deformed.

She honestly thought she was doing him a favor.

This delusional pre set of thoughts are nothing short of demented and disturbed.

We chose not to press charges for a criminal investigation.

Some of you may be asking why the fuck not?

We didn’t want to hurt the family (as a whole) any more than she had hurt ours.

Even though we hadn’t opened a case, CPS had to send it off as a criminal investigation. It had been forwarded (as of roughly 2 weeks ago) to her local police department.

I’m going to say right now I have no clue if there were any consequences to her unforgivable actions.

She lives in a community that houses higher income families.

She has been in a field in which her career choice allows her to earn up to six figure salaries.

I know in my mind and always have, that she will walk away with a slap on her hand.

But let me ask you all this…

If it were you, and your son asks you when he is a teenager, young man, or grown adult-

‘Mom, why is my penis scarred?’

How will I be able to answer that?

Could you ever forgive a person for such an act?

I will not.

I never wish to see you again.

If nothing came of justice, then I certainly say, this is punishment enough.

Punishment in exposing to the world of how truly superficial and monstrous you can be on the inside.

My heart goes to the loss of my brother-in-laws relationship as well as the relationships with my nephews and nieces.

I can move forward now knowing I can’t hurt Matthew anymore. Because I figured out the trigger and have now eliminated it with this last sentence.

Be true to who you are. Never hide even the most irate thoughts, especially from medical professionals.

Those thoughts could be the make or break to your own life, or the life of someone else.

Take care,

Care Crisis Hotline

866-4CRISIS

(HIS SIDE) The Learning Curve

I am beginning to understand why i had shut my emotions off. 

  As we move forward the flood of emotions is starting to level off,and i realize that i may not be as prepared as i thought. Ashleys BPD makes her do selfish hurtful things sometimes this is not her fault. Now I knew this or at least I thought knew this and therefore it would not bother me. When i had the emotions of a tree stump this was not a problem but now that everything is turned back on it is bugging me more than anticipated. This brings up conflict inside of me,  I love Ashley and do not want to get mad at her for something she has no control over yet. I have a need to protect myself and the only way I know to do this is by shutting down again but i refuse to have this as an option. The only other thing I can think to do is ride it out till my feelings become a little more calloused and hopefully find a happy medium, I don’t know what I am going to do. I am going to finish my day at work and think on it some more I will keep you posted on whatever i decide to do.