Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

Closure? Or Punishment? {A Mother’s Confessions}

It’s a desolate feeling knowing your child isn’t home with you.

  
Today we drove our first born child to a Hopsital which we willingly knew we wouldn’t be able to take her home from.

I’ve been walking for a few hours now.

I can’t emote.

No matter how hard I try to cry I cannot.

I feel lost.

Empty,

Broken.

I know in my heart I should be rejoicing knowing that for the first time in nearly 5 years of seeking answers to Keira’s condition and only receiving empty answers from medical professionals,  we’ve finally found a team who wants to help her.

But how is a parent to feel after the deed is done?

Keira knew what we were doing.
I let her choose what she wanted.

Deep down a part of me was desperately hoping she wouldn’t oblige. 

Having been inpatient twice in my life I know the feeling all too well when you’ve finally been admitted and your family leaves you.

But you see, we know they aren’t leaving us.



And yet the person cannot help but be grateful to those who have helped them, and at the same time feel a deep obligation to themselves to say Goodbye.



I don’t care what Keira is diagnosed with.
I know she’s been suffering more than any 8 year old should ever have to endure.
An outcast,

A seemingly beautiful and normal child to the outside world.

But you must understand that she wasn’t raised by a normal mother.

All her life she was subconsciously taught to mask her true emotions.

So much that she became the mask just as I had.

She has been internalizing a battle within which has up unto l recently, been one that even her father and I hadn’t known how severe it had been.

Please do not think this is by any means easy for Matthew and I to speak of so transparently to the world.

I’ve made it home finally.

After sitting on my stoop the last hour I realized it was time to go inside.
But you see, this home is not a home without her.
I’ve never realized how much our daughter has saved me up until recent weeks.
Such a queer disposition; explaining to the world that mental illness healed mental illness.
But there is no denying.

Keira has saved me from myself,
She is wiser beyond her years emotionally and yet she do desperately wishes to live the life of a child.
She deserves that much.
I know we’ll never be able to fully satisfy that, but I can only hope that those who love and accept her for all that she is, will do their damnedest to protect that inner child and allow her to flourish.
I grew up too quickly.

I had to to survive.
If there’s anything I know about Keira, It is that she is a warrior just as her father is.
Matthew may be strong, but he is feeling the sting from today’s act.
I know after a few days, he will have the ability to regulate far better than I will.
But no parent should ever have to do what we did today.
The one parent I could remotely seek solace in, has forgotten his experiences with me.

I don’t blame him.
She will be gone for a while.
I promised her I would see her as much as she desired to have her mother there.
I will fight to make Matt proud.
A weakness has consumed my mind and it has been egging me to give in.
To relapse.
I owe Keira that much to stay strong and resist self punishment.

Never take your children for granted.

If they are acting out, even if it pisses you off to no end,



VALIDATE their EMOTIONS.

Too many years did I treat her emotions poorly.
Far too many times did I write off all of her elaborate stories. 
I am listening now.
And yet I know she will always have an internal battle against wanting to push us out to punish us, and desperately needing our love and affection to nurture her.
Love your children. 

Hug them tighter each time you see them.
I think I needed to expel some word vomit so I could sleep.

I have an IEP meeting at her school tomorrow.

I am in hopes to wake up strong,

Knowing she is safe, and she is waiting to hear my voice.

You cannot possibly make up the things we’ve experienced in our lives together.

Matthew and I live a life movies are based on.

But it is a life I would never exchange.
And I am ready to show the world how selfless I can be.

By saving our daughter; just as she has saved me…

Stay Strong.

Scarlet My Dear Old Friend… We Meet Again.

Disconcerting. 

  
This image may appear that way to those who do not yet fully understand me.

I gave in. 
I had to see the trails of red pour against my decrepit face.

It’s truly magnificent. 
I see my inner beauty through my eyes when I look at my reflection after mutilating.

I can assure you, I speak in the most sound mind right now.

Why am I choosing to expose this to you all?

I need to. 

I need to show the world for those who cannot yet do so.

For those who fear judgement from their family, and those who care about them most.
When all they’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, loved, and nurtured for who they really are.

I have no shame anymore.

Take it or leave it, this is me.

It does not contradict how I take care of others.

I punish myself and myself alone.

I can now go about my day functioning with a semi wise mind.

But what hurts me the most, is this..

How much longer do I hide the truth (of how I got hurt) to my sweet little girl?

The time is coming near for that conversation, but I have a strong feeling that she already knows the answer.

Stay Strong.

I’m Sorry For Being Me

I’m a selfish douche..
  I speak of others being the victims of mental illness such as our loved ones- caught in the cross fire of our own self pity and agony.
I will always succumb to the pathetic party of boo hoo- you don’t understand.
I’ve always been positive and uplifting on the blog so far so if I truly follow how I feel and do not censor, then I will most likely piss off a number of people today.
Yes I am going to say you have NO IDEA what it’s like to be me.
Yes I am going to emphasize that my life is harder than most people’s fucking lives combined.
Absolutely I will piss people off by saying I’m never going to get better, most likely neither will you.
We are alone.
It’s the final act that replays with no show of curtain call.
I will always be slapping a mask on to live this life. 
Being who I really am, like this PATHETIC self disdain I am presenting to you all today- not only makes people feel uncomfortable, but they stop speaking to me all together.

I’ve unloaded on friends and family for years. Cried on too many shoulders, some of those which decided to turn the other way.
I do not blame them. I abused their relationships for my selfish indulgences.
I do not expect these many people I’ve lost to ever want to come back.
Self hate is an extremely unattractive attribute. It doesn’t matter how sexy I feel, how much I lift at the gym, or how rediculous I fucking act, in the end, I will go down with the entire ship once the tip of the iceberg grazes the side.
I am counteracting most of everything I’ve ever said to anyone out in the world the last few months. But do as I say not as I do right?
I’ll apologize in the end, which most likely won’t sound genuine after this seemingly obvious attack post on myself and everyone.. 

I’m sorry if I’ve hurt you. But if you truly feel how I’ve felt, you’ll know that you really aren’t alone.
Be as good to yourself as you can be.