I’ve hurt Keira today.
My own conflicts with my mother from childhood are manifesting into our current reality.
And I hate myself for how I treat her.
If you haven’t read my post ‘But What About Me?’- I explained the plethora of diagnoses Keira has been given since the age of 3.
Social Emotional Regulation.
She is a borderline, we are certain of it. Knowing that has allowed us to validate the abandoned child within.
When Keira feels she is most alone, even though we are always present and near.
Her tendencies to act out above and beyond the standard curtain call if you will, is unreivalled by any other child I’ve ever known.
I am remembering more and more what type of child I was.
I had a vivacious tenacity to show everyone how talented I could be.
Any time there was a video camera around, I was front and center.
Along with that however, came a lack of validation.
I believe I had acknowledgement to things I was doing at the moment. But emotional validation? Where was that?
I am not posting about my childhood.
But I am posting that my childhood has severely affected how I parent Keira today.
She threw a tantrum today. Standard fit because she didnt get something right away.
I use a tactic of ignoring but validating her emotions at the same time.
”Keira, it must be frustrating feeling that way, but you cannot act like this, hold yourself accountable for your actions, and then we can speak together about your feelings…”
I’ve been making extreme progress the last two weeks with our daughter.
Today, I slaughtered that progress simply because I wasnt regulating my emotional state of mind.
I CHOSE to retaliate and attack.
Say hurtful things.
What kind of a mother am I?
Who does that to their child?
After she finally came out (much cohersing) of her room, I asked her to watch the video from the day her father and I got married.
It was one of the happiest days of her life as well..
I kissed her forehead gently.
Told her many times how beautiful she is and was that day.
Validation for Keira is everything to her in her world.
Once it was over, we were both crying.
My daughters eyes were red and swollen. She had a pain within which I can only read.
She loves me. She only ever wants to love me and make me proud.
I humiliated her and broke her heart.
She told me I was tearing her apart.
Multiple times she said this in a state of hysteria, yet I continued to say things like ‘spoiled brat’ and ‘drama queen.’
My mother has left some massive scars from my childhood.
She never held me like I do Keira.
She was never affectionate.
A hug to her still to this day, is a light hearted tap on the back.
I’ve never told her this, but I loathe that hug.
I allowed the inner child who so strongly despises her mother but desperately needs her affection to take control of my abilities to be a mother.
Keira and I held one another and cried.
I apologized profuselfy and told her I was never loved this way so I’m still learning how to lover her the way she wants me to.
On both our parts.
My daughter is wiser beyond her years emotionally.
And we just did social/emotional regulation all on her own…
She has no clue she is using DBT, she’s already starting learning she wants to be happy.
She doesn’t want to suffer..
Never take your childrens time for granted.
You never know when the last time will be that you speak with them.
Hug the ones you love a little tighter today.