{Confessions Of An Exhausted Mother}

I’m burnt out. Matthew and I both are.


Most days I roll by without people knowing what goes on behind closed doors in our little world.

Keira has been on emergency suspension for 6 days now from school.

Her mood and aggression has been an extremely difficult task for Matthew and I to tame.

He’s been to work 2 days in the last two weeks.

A couple of his fellow employees contributed shared leave hours to help keep a portion of his salary intact.

Even though we refinanced the house and have less bills, the half salary is going to make things rough. 

Intermittent FMLA means exactly what it states. 

He stays home intermittently throughout the following year so as to help with emotional instabilities with Keira, or if one of us needs to remove Guy Danger from the home like I had yesterday to protect him from seeing/hearing the anger his sister has.

Suicide awareness is very apparent now at the tender age of barely 9.

I can no longer allow Keira to be in the back yard alone without supervision when she is in a negative state of mind.

Two days ago, she attempted to climb our white tree in the back yard from a chair.

When prompted with my question as to why she was climbing; her response,

“I want to climb high and jump off so I can snap my neck and be dead!”

We have always had a problem with Keira’s obsession with television/electronics.

Even she acknowledges it is a massive trigger for her, but like any heroine addict, once they get a small taste of it or even hear the word,
The obsession to have it begins.
I spent the better part of 5.5 hours with Matt yesterday; hearing Keira scream non stop threatening suicide, threatening to kill me, desperately attempting to say anything to get either of us to cave and allow her to have whatever she needs.

Now here’s the twist..

When Keira goes from manipulative tv Keira- to just plain irrational GONE Keira, there is zero reasoning, attempts to comfort her,
Physical relaxation or empathy that will let this child be at ease.

She will shriek for hours on ends, wallowing in self hate. 

If you try to walk near her she screams in severe terror; eyes scrunched shut wailing out we are going to kill her repetitively.

She also has a gift of making personal attacks against my physical features to break me down.

While I do not need to divulge the details of those, I will say, it is the equivalent of the worse bully bitch you had to fight in high school ( if you had experienced that at all)

She has an uncanny way to ooze under my skin and break me down. 
We both have taken a ‘no talk’ approach to her picking fights.

For some reason, the positive attention is not enough for Keira anymore and she has switched to deliberately attempting to make us frustrated or to pick fights by bringing up irrelevant subjects.

When Matthew is home with me, I have the chance to keep my armor intact by walking away for a moment and cleansing my mind with some calm soothing breaths.
That is just one thing that has been bothering Keira lately.

Electronics have always been something like a friend to her.

She prefers to live in the stories created through any shows than to live in her own realities.

As I watch Keira grow and see her mental state evolve, I experience flash backs of my childhood which help me empathize with her.

As traumatizing as they may be at times, I can attempt to at least tell her, ‘you’re not alone Keira.’

When I asked her why she was so angry all the time, my worst fear came alive in four small words,
“Because I hate myself.”

That right there, is how I started to feel about me at the age of 9.

Keira may be a Borderline along with massive sensory integration issues and perhaps some other symptoms.

Dr. Ford has hinted in the past that she may have symptoms of BPD. 

She also firmly believes most mental illnesses reside in genetics.

Needless to say, if she is a Borderline, it will not be an easy task. 

*Chuckles*
it hasn’t been the last 5 years. 
But we stand strong together, Matt and I, ready to keep fighting and persevering through the darkness of it all.

Word vomit was strong today but I’m hoping that after writing this, it may help keep my mental clarity strong and resilient for today’s battles.

She goes back to school tomorrow.
We’ve never cared the label of Keira’s illness, but we DO care about finding the right path to leading her down to success.
As always, take care.

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Suck It Up Buttercup {A Mothers Motivation For Living A Life With A Mentally Ill Child}

I am a woman suffering from BPD…

 

I am also the mother of an extremely mentally ill child.

Keira’s psychotic breaks are severe and can be extremely aggressive upwards of 3-6x a day ranging from small defiance to suicidal ideations/threats of harm to Matt and I.

It is bizarre to say we are “used” to them, but they are threats used on a daily basis when her mind is gone.

I don’t share the details of the horrors of Keira’s mental illness; as it is MY coping mechanism to staying strong.

Yes, Keira’s hallucinations are more on my plate as a Stay at Home Mother.

I’ve always been a shitty Susie Homemaker.

But now I have no choice but to be Wonder Woman to get it all done in one day and prove to myself,

To The World ,

that her illness will not stop me or this family from living life.

Ive allowed myself to forget to fold laundry or clean the bathroom because I ride on the excuse that I had a rough day with breaks with Keira.

I’ve come to the realization that these excuses are not valid by any means…

Because this is OUR LIFE.

I have no career. 

Keira and Guy Danger are my life. 

I no longer have an option.

So feeling sorry for myself because she’s had massive psychotic breaks will leave me cold and crumpled in a fetal position on the floor unable to care for the children.

As much as I wish that were my fate some days I have to pep talk with myself. I say,

Suck it up buttercup…

Life is a bitch sometimes.

But you can either lie down and take her beatings, or rise up and become stronger than you’ve ever been before.

It may always seem like two steps forward and four steps back…

But if you think about any obstacles and challenges in life that are presented to you, you’re always moving forward regardless.

Never stop walking forward no matter how many times you stumble.

Find the beast within. 

I’m seeking to bed the Lioness and transform into the Lion. 👊🏻

I can’t be Me…

I’m trapped.

   
I’ve given up on writing.

I’ve given up on even feeling.

I have to wear a mask everyday. Not by choice.

It’s what is necessary to my daughters mental health and well being.

People consider it me being strong and are proud of me for controlling my demons…

This is not control.

This- this is Purgatory.




I’m never going to wash the filth off, cleanse away the bad.

It’s a part of me.

Always has been, Always will be.

I can’t show the world my pain like I had before.

My deepest desires to mutilate and see blood dripping from my face.

They see me as an unfit mother.

CPS was called once already because of my blog.

So now I bottle my pain and stuff it deeper each day.

Because I know I cannot show the world to help the adults/teens and keep my status as a sane mother and caregiver to our little girl.

I am the only one who can take care of Keira.

Matthew tries but even he admits she can’t have a successful life without me.

Go back to “But What About Me?”  It started there.

There’s no other way of putting it but to say I am gone.

I am mourning the loss of myself.

Cutting and self sabotage has been a part of me since I was a kid just slightly older than Keira.

I’m certain she will have these battles throughout her life but if I don’t allow her to see that it is what her mommy does, than I am sure she has a lot less of a chance at creating these outlets which are by no means healthy,

But are exactly that. Outlets.

A release from the pain.

People troll the Internet to find a weak spot on me and fuck up the life this little family has.

If I show me, at my weakest, and one of those persons decides to call Child Protective Services again, they will have most certainly condemned Keira to a life of pain and failure.

I Am The One. 

The one to care for her. Show her when the time is right, the horrors of battling your own mind. 

So that she may seek comfort in knowing; she may certainly be the only one (out of millions for that matter) who hallucinates at her age.

This, I cannot tell her we have in common.

But the brutal inner battle  between good and evil, I do understand. 

And she will seek solace in knowing her mother has battled that (and still does) her whole life.

Stay Strong.

Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

Closure? Or Punishment? {A Mother’s Confessions}

It’s a desolate feeling knowing your child isn’t home with you.

  
Today we drove our first born child to a Hopsital which we willingly knew we wouldn’t be able to take her home from.

I’ve been walking for a few hours now.

I can’t emote.

No matter how hard I try to cry I cannot.

I feel lost.

Empty,

Broken.

I know in my heart I should be rejoicing knowing that for the first time in nearly 5 years of seeking answers to Keira’s condition and only receiving empty answers from medical professionals,  we’ve finally found a team who wants to help her.

But how is a parent to feel after the deed is done?

Keira knew what we were doing.
I let her choose what she wanted.

Deep down a part of me was desperately hoping she wouldn’t oblige. 

Having been inpatient twice in my life I know the feeling all too well when you’ve finally been admitted and your family leaves you.

But you see, we know they aren’t leaving us.



And yet the person cannot help but be grateful to those who have helped them, and at the same time feel a deep obligation to themselves to say Goodbye.



I don’t care what Keira is diagnosed with.
I know she’s been suffering more than any 8 year old should ever have to endure.
An outcast,

A seemingly beautiful and normal child to the outside world.

But you must understand that she wasn’t raised by a normal mother.

All her life she was subconsciously taught to mask her true emotions.

So much that she became the mask just as I had.

She has been internalizing a battle within which has up unto l recently, been one that even her father and I hadn’t known how severe it had been.

Please do not think this is by any means easy for Matthew and I to speak of so transparently to the world.

I’ve made it home finally.

After sitting on my stoop the last hour I realized it was time to go inside.
But you see, this home is not a home without her.
I’ve never realized how much our daughter has saved me up until recent weeks.
Such a queer disposition; explaining to the world that mental illness healed mental illness.
But there is no denying.

Keira has saved me from myself,
She is wiser beyond her years emotionally and yet she do desperately wishes to live the life of a child.
She deserves that much.
I know we’ll never be able to fully satisfy that, but I can only hope that those who love and accept her for all that she is, will do their damnedest to protect that inner child and allow her to flourish.
I grew up too quickly.

I had to to survive.
If there’s anything I know about Keira, It is that she is a warrior just as her father is.
Matthew may be strong, but he is feeling the sting from today’s act.
I know after a few days, he will have the ability to regulate far better than I will.
But no parent should ever have to do what we did today.
The one parent I could remotely seek solace in, has forgotten his experiences with me.

I don’t blame him.
She will be gone for a while.
I promised her I would see her as much as she desired to have her mother there.
I will fight to make Matt proud.
A weakness has consumed my mind and it has been egging me to give in.
To relapse.
I owe Keira that much to stay strong and resist self punishment.

Never take your children for granted.

If they are acting out, even if it pisses you off to no end,



VALIDATE their EMOTIONS.

Too many years did I treat her emotions poorly.
Far too many times did I write off all of her elaborate stories. 
I am listening now.
And yet I know she will always have an internal battle against wanting to push us out to punish us, and desperately needing our love and affection to nurture her.
Love your children. 

Hug them tighter each time you see them.
I think I needed to expel some word vomit so I could sleep.

I have an IEP meeting at her school tomorrow.

I am in hopes to wake up strong,

Knowing she is safe, and she is waiting to hear my voice.

You cannot possibly make up the things we’ve experienced in our lives together.

Matthew and I live a life movies are based on.

But it is a life I would never exchange.
And I am ready to show the world how selfless I can be.

By saving our daughter; just as she has saved me…

Stay Strong.

(HIS SIDE) I’m still here

      For anybody that is wondering I am indeed still here. 

  
 When I last wrote to you i was having a hard time finding a way to remain emotional but still handle Ashleys emotional swings. For those of you wondering what i have been talking about and I don’t know how I do this, but I can take all emotion out of things and replace it with logic and reason. The result of this is a cold but steady person and for many years this was beneficial to Ashley, but it is no way to live

     It has been a couple months now and i feel that with a little practice, patience and good communication i have found a happy medium. It is still overwhelming at times especially with our daughter’s condition getting worse, but I feel that I am becoming a better husband and father. Till next time when ever that is remember you are not alone.