Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

Fuck You Sabotage, AND The Horse You Rode In On…

What the fuck….
  
My old friend Sabotage has swooped in and fucked up my mojo.

Why?

Why does this happen every God damn time things start to go well?

I wrote the blog yesterday about Accepting Your Faults.

I meant every word I wrote.

So what? Now I told myself and the world that I’ve began accepting things to try to better myself as a human being on this earth, and awesome Sabotage decides she wants to liven things up.

I woke up this morning. Hating my nose.

I thought to myself, be logical Ashley.

You’ve never disliked it your entire life…

Why are you actually saying you think you may need reconstruction or a fucking nose job?

Logic flew out my bedroom window and now I’m left with severe anger and doubt.

There’s an extremely bitter taste in the back of my mouth.

I yelled at Matt this morning.

I fucked up making his lunch last night.

I’m telling you this not because he was irritated with me about it, but I’ve been noticing my mind has been slipping slowly the last few days into a different state.

I’m forgetting things people say to me only moments after it’s been spoken.

I convince myself that (as an example) after asking multiple times last night how he wanted his lunch, my head decided to alter what it was he had requested.

Was it done to appease my lack of interest? 
Not at all.

Or at least not intentionally…

I have been talking rapidly.

Before it would have been considered hyper-manic.

I don’t know what personality it is besides “annoying as fuck.”

On the way to the gym last night, I could tell I was starting a bout of extreme word vomit.

Matthew was getting restless next to me. 

As I drove down the road I continued to propel a force of conversation which I couldn’t even control.

He started to slip into his seat.

I could see his jaw tensing as he looked forward at the road.

But I still kept going.

I didn’t know how to stop.
I also, could not see that I was needling at him to read my blog post.

To see the video I made.

He had a hell of a fucking day on the highway in sweltering heat.

He hadn’t even had time yet to read it.

I thought to myself, (as selfish Ashley does) well he approved a comment on the blog so why wouldn’t he take the time to read the stupid thing before accepting the remark?

See, even now as I’m typing furiously, my brow is furrowing and I’m biting at my cheeks.
My cheeks are getting raw inside.

I used to obsessively tear at them with my chompers literally until I bled.

Most the time, the damage was done during work or at school.
I am almost considering this bizarre obsessive compulsive tendency to have been similar to cutting.

I can’t cut in front of people, so to release I suppose I would create pain in a more discreet manner.

I feel like shit about how I treat my husband.

But then the inconsiderate asshole inside me says, wait a minute…

I’ve been holding myself accountable for my actions the last month…

When the fuck is he going to do it himself?

I promised him when we married that I would protect his emotions and I would never allow him to go back to that hard rock he once was.

I have moments however, where I say the same thing towards him in my mind that he used to tell me…

“Must be nice to have a free pass.”

This is nothing short of childish and irrelevant to our life.

It is one thing and one thing only.

A tantrum. 

I want people to suffer like I suffer.

Why do you think Matthew was the person he had become for so many years because of me?

I wanted him to suffer.

Unintentionally, no doubt.

But as the saying goes, “misery loves company.”

I feel like I’ve been working so hard with my daughter and myself when it comes to regulation and accountability that I can’t help but wonder if he feels he needs to practice that too?

It’s not my right to say whether he (or anyone else for that matter) should do so.

The inner conflict I have currently is irritating as fuck.

I am concerned I will trigger him with this blog post and create emotional tension.

I’m making this clear to you all,

I am not writing this for him.

I’m not writing it for you.

I was told by him in the beginning of all this.

“If it makes you feel better getting it out babe, then get it out…”

The migraine which has been pooling up in between my eyeballs has lifted slightly.

I carry panic attacks in my head now, (literally) by the way.

It was always in my chest.

Why it decided to migrate is beyond me.

Take care of yourself.

Take care of the ones you love most.

No matter how angry you are with yourself or even with them for that matter, 
Tell them you love them before you hang up and be selfish.
It’s the only way I know to validate him before I decide to abruptly shove his emotions on the wayside.

Accepting The Faults {My Quintessential Piece To Living With BPD}

I’ve been a fuck up on so many levels.

I know I haven’t written in quite some time, but it’s not something which comes freely to me.

I am not paid to do this.

I still run this household and take care of the children while Matthew is away.

But now that I’ve a moment to sit down, I would like to write about a topic which has been weighing in on my mind for some time…

I’ve spoken of selfishness.

My selfishness with emotions and the lack of consideration towards others.

I’ve expressed the need for accountability for one’s actions. Especially living life as a Borderline (personally).

But when is it the right time to move forward?

When can one use that accountability to accept what they’ve done wrong and build a new path to walk down?

I will tell you right now, that I am nearly 29 years of age and only in the last 90 days of my fucking life, have I began to hold myself accountable for anything and everything I’ve ever done wrong to the people I care about most.

Its a shock to the system nonetheless.

To find out that your disease has made you a selfish inconsiderate douche bag is a bit unsettling.

I am truly appalled by my past ignorance.

I can talk about specific dark times,

I could elaborate on manic psychosis states,

but I choose to write about what I am going to do to move forward.

Now that the accountability part has been acknowledged, I can accept those faults and use them as strengths to become a better person.

Many times have I bantered in my own petty mind that I can or cannot accomplish this.

The ‘cannot’ is a load of bullshit spewed out by the weak person within.

The persona who’s convinced she is pathetic, and nobody will love her.

That persona also refuses to hold herself accountable for negative behaviors.

I adore and despise her all the same.

Because when I am feeling weak, she is the persona who comforts me.

I seek solace in her depressive states and desperately pursue the obsessive tenacity to isolate.

How am I suppose to get anything done in life when I allow that part of me to consume everything that allows me to function on a daily basis?

I cant.

Point fucking made.

However….

When I am of logical mind, (meaning my emotions have not yet taken dictative supremacy over my body) I can literally SEE everything I’ve ever done to fuck up in life.

Lately, while I’m in that state of mind, I’ve been actually taking notes on particular situations and validating that accountability.

Once I’ve done that, I tell myself-

Ash- you’ve screwed up bad there. But instead of going into ‘boo-hoo pity me party’ mode, why don’t  you use that acknowledgement and accountability and tell yourself that you should be proud of yourself for seeing that.

It’s been only a few weeks since I’ve approached it this way, but I truly believe its slowly starting to resonate with me.

Accepting my faults has allowed me to see the true beauties within myself.

More days are passing within a week where I am ending a day content with how I regulated, rather than with a severe disdain towards myself.

Accept your faults.

You don’t have to be mentally ill do that.

You only need to see that your faults, are what make you truly captivating and beautiful.

But only after you’ve held yourself accountable and given closure.

Take care.

And Stay Classy.

Please Don’t Shut The World Out Again

I don’t know if this will help, and quite honestly I’m frightened to vlog, as the last one I did propelled someone to call CPS {everything is closed, no foundings were made- but it was extremely stressful and traumatic to go through}

My sweet husband is doing the only thing he knows to protect himself. And that is to shut his emotions off.
Perhaps this Vlog can help others in my situation, or their spouses see that it is never intentional, (hurting them emotionally) but the first step is to hold oneself accountable for those actions.
Only then, I truly believe that a person can begin to alter their emotional expression towards a loved one. 

I will always have selfish tendencies, as I am the only one who truly knows the abandonment I feel within my own mind. But I am here to cry out to the world, that I am here…

I promised him I would protect him. To never let him go back. And I feel I’m slowly failing.
My heart is with you Bear.

Take care everyone, and Stay Strong.