What the fuck….
My old friend Sabotage has swooped in and fucked up my mojo.
Why does this happen every God damn time things start to go well?
I wrote the blog yesterday about Accepting Your Faults.
I meant every word I wrote.
So what? Now I told myself and the world that I’ve began accepting things to try to better myself as a human being on this earth, and awesome Sabotage decides she wants to liven things up.
I woke up this morning. Hating my nose.
I thought to myself, be logical Ashley.
You’ve never disliked it your entire life…
Why are you actually saying you think you may need reconstruction or a fucking nose job?
Logic flew out my bedroom window and now I’m left with severe anger and doubt.
There’s an extremely bitter taste in the back of my mouth.
I yelled at Matt this morning.
I fucked up making his lunch last night.
I’m telling you this not because he was irritated with me about it, but I’ve been noticing my mind has been slipping slowly the last few days into a different state.
I’m forgetting things people say to me only moments after it’s been spoken.
I convince myself that (as an example) after asking multiple times last night how he wanted his lunch, my head decided to alter what it was he had requested.
Was it done to appease my lack of interest?
Not at all.
Or at least not intentionally…
I have been talking rapidly.
Before it would have been considered hyper-manic.
I don’t know what personality it is besides “annoying as fuck.”
On the way to the gym last night, I could tell I was starting a bout of extreme word vomit.
Matthew was getting restless next to me.
As I drove down the road I continued to propel a force of conversation which I couldn’t even control.
He started to slip into his seat.
I could see his jaw tensing as he looked forward at the road.
But I still kept going.
I didn’t know how to stop.
I also, could not see that I was needling at him to read my blog post.
To see the video I made.
He had a hell of a fucking day on the highway in sweltering heat.
He hadn’t even had time yet to read it.
I thought to myself, (as selfish Ashley does) well he approved a comment on the blog so why wouldn’t he take the time to read the stupid thing before accepting the remark?
See, even now as I’m typing furiously, my brow is furrowing and I’m biting at my cheeks.
My cheeks are getting raw inside.
I used to obsessively tear at them with my chompers literally until I bled.
Most the time, the damage was done during work or at school.
I am almost considering this bizarre obsessive compulsive tendency to have been similar to cutting.
I can’t cut in front of people, so to release I suppose I would create pain in a more discreet manner.
I feel like shit about how I treat my husband.
But then the inconsiderate asshole inside me says, wait a minute…
I’ve been holding myself accountable for my actions the last month…
When the fuck is he going to do it himself?
I promised him when we married that I would protect his emotions and I would never allow him to go back to that hard rock he once was.
I have moments however, where I say the same thing towards him in my mind that he used to tell me…
“Must be nice to have a free pass.”
This is nothing short of childish and irrelevant to our life.
It is one thing and one thing only.
I want people to suffer like I suffer.
Why do you think Matthew was the person he had become for so many years because of me?
I wanted him to suffer.
Unintentionally, no doubt.
But as the saying goes, “misery loves company.”
I feel like I’ve been working so hard with my daughter and myself when it comes to regulation and accountability that I can’t help but wonder if he feels he needs to practice that too?
It’s not my right to say whether he (or anyone else for that matter) should do so.
The inner conflict I have currently is irritating as fuck.
I am concerned I will trigger him with this blog post and create emotional tension.
I’m making this clear to you all,
I am not writing this for him.
I’m not writing it for you.
I was told by him in the beginning of all this.
“If it makes you feel better getting it out babe, then get it out…”
The migraine which has been pooling up in between my eyeballs has lifted slightly.
I carry panic attacks in my head now, (literally) by the way.
It was always in my chest.
Why it decided to migrate is beyond me.
Take care of yourself.
Take care of the ones you love most.
No matter how angry you are with yourself or even with them for that matter,
Tell them you love them before you hang up and be selfish.
It’s the only way I know to validate him before I decide to abruptly shove his emotions on the wayside.