I love our son.
I’ve realized in this entire blog I’ve only ever spoken of him once.
His name is Guy Danger.
Matt named him.
In February 2014, two nights after super bowl night, I found out I was pregnant with another child.
All my life I wanted a large family.
Countless years after giving birth to our beautiful daughter I had been told by my husband and other family that the reason we shouldn’t give birth to another child was that I wasn’t mentally sound.
Other stipulating factors are what most other families argue- finances.
As the years went by with Keira, I still had an emptiness within which propelled a compulsive yearning for another child.
Perhaps it was to “fix” what I hadn’t done to raise Keira.
The night we found out I tested positive for pregnancy, it was the polar opposite of what I had always dreamed.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a woman dreading that other line popping up.
My heart sank.
Keira had been showing more symptoms over the last year of her life.
She was (at the time) just shy of 7 years old.
Matthew and I were at the lowest point of our relationship.
We lost apprecitation for one another.
He was cold, and I was completely selfish with my own emotions.
Abortion is something I have always believed is the woman’s choice.
For me however, terminating a life for lack of precautions on my behalf is an act which is unforgivable.
Matthew knew how I felt.
It was a bitter night, I told him bluntly by showing him.
My hands were shaking as I held up the test.
What do we do?
“Please don’t think this is what I want right now. I know I’ve only asked for this for years, but you have to believe me, it’s not what I want. It’s not what we can have right now…”
There is no point in revealing the details of that conversation In specifics, but that little bit was a Segway into how the proceeding 8 months were to be for my family.
I carried Guy alone.
At least I felt that way.
We’ve had closure on this topic after we were married in May of this year.
But I still have pain thinking at times how he never touched me.
How he never spoke to him.
Keira’s pregnancy was planned, sort of.
We said Wing It. 6 weeks later we conceived her…
At our sonogram appointment to see the sex of the baby, Matthew was cold, he attributed his attitude to having been exhausted from just getting off of night shift.
I later found that all of this heartless demeanor was quite the opposite of how he truly felt.
He went through hell with Keira’s birth.
Watched his daughter almost die.
He watched the woman he loved nearly die.
I am one of the Americans unfortunate enough to not have antibodies against HSV, or herpes simplex virus. (Cold Sores)
For those of you who don’t know, HSV is extremely deadly to infants.
The sexually transmitted form (HSV Type 2) is almost a guaranteed death warrant to an unborn fetus.
Keira contracted the virus in utero while in labor.
My body shot the herpes into hyper drive and also attacked my body.
Long story short, (since this post is about our son) she almost died. We didn’t know it was herpes.
My doctor- (Dr. James Allen Joki) seen Matt at Seattle Childrens Hopsital when visiting on his own time to check on Keira.
It was day 4 and she had been placed in a medically induced coma to keep her alive.
All tests showed her body rejecting anything they had attempted to use to save her.
The blood transfusion Matt signed off for was failing as well.
He saw Matt,
He had a bad cold sore on his lip.
He asked him very abruptly if he’d had cold sores his entire life.
My doctor ran up to the NICU and told them to put Keira on Acyclovire for treatment of Herpes.
He saved her life.
He’s never forgiven himself for that. But we do not see it as a failure.
He saved my life when he delivered me.
I was suffocating and he gave me cpr after the cord strangled me into a still born.
I am in debt to that man.
All this is pertinent to the story I am explaining about my pregnancy with Guy.
For you see, Matthew endured more than any man should through their first child’s birth.
And because of those trials, he attained some painful scars and PTSD.
The whole pregnancy it wasn’t a matter of him not loving the child like I thought every day.
It was that he couldn’t bear another near death experience of two people he loved.
When we delivered Guy, Matthew was clear and present.
He told me at that moment in the operating room for cesarean, he knew Guy (as well as myself) would be safe from harm. Because we had the best doctor on this earth.
Dr. Joki was far more emotionally invested in this pregnancy than he should have been due to Keira’s birth.
Even after all these years he continued to apologize for what had happened.
There was no need.
Because his diligence and passion to protect a patient he’s known her whole life, made Matthews mind at ease.
Guy Danger was born healthy.
We both had problems emotionally at times.
I never was able to hold Keira for the first 3 weeks of her life.
To have a tiny human on your chest, feeding and skin to skin comfort- was something I could not fully appreciate because I thought I was betraying Keira.
She never had that.
Why should I have deserved it with Guy?
He is now almost 10 months old and a beautiful child.
Just as smart as Keira.
And growing faster than I’ve seen a child grow before.
Within his normalcy for growth, he has to battle a crossfire of turbulent emotions with Keira, myself, and Matthew.
Her psychotic episodes are so rapid day to day, that our beautiful little son has to hear things he shouldn’t.
His sister screaming uncontrollably.
Matthew and I going from logic and reasoning, to “tough love approach” yelling at Keira.
Anything to bring her back.
If you’ve never seen a person break from reality and start full hallucinations, it’s terrifying.
Add that war to a innocent 8 year old girl and you have a living hell which no parent deserves to see or experience.
I’ve always known Keira was different.
We both believed for years it was from the severe viral trauma at birth.
But in the last year, I knew she had breaks from reality.
I cannot diagnose but there’s no other way to relate than to tell you I’ve seen my uncles eyes in Keira’s when she has gone full psychosis.
My dear uncle is severely schizophrenic.
They said he attained it after being exposed to fire in their Home at a young age.
Years growing up, I would see James as a child, and when he was in “the dark side” his eyes had a way of narrowing downward in such a way that the very hairs running down your spine stood up.
To fear somebody you love is a horrible thing to feel.
The one Mother I could ask for advice on how to raise such a gifted child has passed on two years ago.
Guy Danger will always be loved as much as Keira.
We have had the fear cross our minds that there is the possibility that this illness could be genetic…
I refuse to think about that right now.
Love your children.
The ones who appear healthy, like Guy Danger, are actually the ones who will suffer in the long run.
Just as Matthew has with me.
And many other people who are the true victims in the battle against mental illness.
I try to hug him more.
I try to spend more time alternating “alone time” between Matt with Keira and me with her (vice versa with Guy)
Trying to find the balance for the other child is something I know we can never perfect.
All we can do as parents is show him we love him.
Reassure him he is here with us because we want him to be.
In the end, a mothers intuition is the strongest lead you could ever have.
And Stay Strong.