One’s Purpose In Life vs. What They Were Born To Do

I want to speak a little about life, and why we must make decisions that are/aren’t imperative towards progress in our futures.
  
This morning my husband left for Eastern WA to go do what he was born to do.

He hasn’t gone hunting since the first year I met him, just 9 years ago, and it has haunted me each year that has passed.

The last trip he went on, was also the weekend We (unknowingly) conceived what has come to be the most beautiful little 8 year old girl I’ve ever known.

He’s sacrificed one of his true callings for her and I.

From the moment she was born,

To the NICU stay for weeks,

To nearly losing her.

He sacrificed his dream career to have a stable one with reasonable hours so that he would be there for her.

Years have passed and every year he lost more of that man he was meant to be.

Although tested through many trials in his life, he’s always remained true to his purpose.

Let me clarify the differences between being born to do something, and what ones purpose in life are:

He’s a born leader,
A warrior,
A hunter.

Matthew has always shown leadership and strength in anything he has always done.

Some have mistaken his demeanor as cold and heartless.

I was even one to assume that at times throughout the years.

But when you take time to reflect on the true meaning of your life, (as I have this AM) I now SEE the differences…

He was born to do all these things Ive spoken of, but his true purpose is to be a father and a husband.

His path changed the day our daughter was born.

Neither of us regret any decisions we have made so far, and now with Guy Danger in our lives, we are especially cautious with the decisions we make for ourselves; so as to not stray from our true purposes in life due to our own selfish antics.

“There is nothing wrong with being selfish and wanting things for yourself…” He said this morning.

Matthew is right. 
And I fully supported him this year to make sure he would be doing exactly what he is this morning, which is driving over the mountain pass towards his true calling.

It is difficult at times to grasp a sense on reality when you fight to see that you must remain here for your Given Purpose, as opposed to what you desperately want to show the world and perhaps, prove to yourself.

But we stand strong, And we see our purposes now crystal clear. 

Although We may digress to challenge that at times. We both know that once in a while- 

Just like Matthew today, 

It’s a necessity to the purpose, to be a little selfish.
Bag a big one husband. I’m proud of you. Breathe in the air and let the animals come to you. ❤️

“Why Me?” {A Mother’s Worst Fears Heard}

“Why me?” 

  
A simple question that leaves you helpless and in pain as a parent of a child suffering from a severe mental illness.

Today was the first day Keira screamed it out of despair in her room.

I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breathe. My worst fear came true.

Matthew went to console her. She asked him straight to his face. 

“But why me Dad?”

As I sat in the other room cuddling Guy Danger I listened to their conversation.

Matthew has now become a hero in her eyes saving her from the hallucination that debilitates her capabilities to function properly.

I am proud of him.

Even now as I write this, he sits next to her validating her emotions.

Not a standard validation; but this child was promised her hallucination would go away with medications. 

It has been 2 months since she started anti-psychotics.

Keira is angry with the Doctor. Angry with Matt and I. But most of all,
Furious at the world. 
‘Why Me?’ 

It is the ultimate question people use. Not just with Mental Illness,

But a loss of a loved one,
Financial loss such as foreclosure.

A best friend passing.
Those are just a few examples.
To hear Keira finally mutter that simple phrase (which I have been dreading to hear) was nothing short of a stab to a Mothers heart.

He answered her.

Because you’re special.

We always tell her she was meant to change the world some day.

Keeping her hope alive that she may some day be the only voice within her own mind can be a heavy task daily. 

But it is something Matthew and I do with extreme strength and pride.

She is one of a kind.

A bipolar who hallucinates.

But as always I tell Keira to say,

“I am not my illness…”
Stay Strong.

Suck It Up Buttercup {A Mothers Motivation For Living A Life With A Mentally Ill Child}

I am a woman suffering from BPD…

 

I am also the mother of an extremely mentally ill child.

Keira’s psychotic breaks are severe and can be extremely aggressive upwards of 3-6x a day ranging from small defiance to suicidal ideations/threats of harm to Matt and I.

It is bizarre to say we are “used” to them, but they are threats used on a daily basis when her mind is gone.

I don’t share the details of the horrors of Keira’s mental illness; as it is MY coping mechanism to staying strong.

Yes, Keira’s hallucinations are more on my plate as a Stay at Home Mother.

I’ve always been a shitty Susie Homemaker.

But now I have no choice but to be Wonder Woman to get it all done in one day and prove to myself,

To The World ,

that her illness will not stop me or this family from living life.

Ive allowed myself to forget to fold laundry or clean the bathroom because I ride on the excuse that I had a rough day with breaks with Keira.

I’ve come to the realization that these excuses are not valid by any means…

Because this is OUR LIFE.

I have no career. 

Keira and Guy Danger are my life. 

I no longer have an option.

So feeling sorry for myself because she’s had massive psychotic breaks will leave me cold and crumpled in a fetal position on the floor unable to care for the children.

As much as I wish that were my fate some days I have to pep talk with myself. I say,

Suck it up buttercup…

Life is a bitch sometimes.

But you can either lie down and take her beatings, or rise up and become stronger than you’ve ever been before.

It may always seem like two steps forward and four steps back…

But if you think about any obstacles and challenges in life that are presented to you, you’re always moving forward regardless.

Never stop walking forward no matter how many times you stumble.

Find the beast within. 

I’m seeking to bed the Lioness and transform into the Lion. 👊🏻

I can’t be Me…

I’m trapped.

   
I’ve given up on writing.

I’ve given up on even feeling.

I have to wear a mask everyday. Not by choice.

It’s what is necessary to my daughters mental health and well being.

People consider it me being strong and are proud of me for controlling my demons…

This is not control.

This- this is Purgatory.




I’m never going to wash the filth off, cleanse away the bad.

It’s a part of me.

Always has been, Always will be.

I can’t show the world my pain like I had before.

My deepest desires to mutilate and see blood dripping from my face.

They see me as an unfit mother.

CPS was called once already because of my blog.

So now I bottle my pain and stuff it deeper each day.

Because I know I cannot show the world to help the adults/teens and keep my status as a sane mother and caregiver to our little girl.

I am the only one who can take care of Keira.

Matthew tries but even he admits she can’t have a successful life without me.

Go back to “But What About Me?”  It started there.

There’s no other way of putting it but to say I am gone.

I am mourning the loss of myself.

Cutting and self sabotage has been a part of me since I was a kid just slightly older than Keira.

I’m certain she will have these battles throughout her life but if I don’t allow her to see that it is what her mommy does, than I am sure she has a lot less of a chance at creating these outlets which are by no means healthy,

But are exactly that. Outlets.

A release from the pain.

People troll the Internet to find a weak spot on me and fuck up the life this little family has.

If I show me, at my weakest, and one of those persons decides to call Child Protective Services again, they will have most certainly condemned Keira to a life of pain and failure.

I Am The One. 

The one to care for her. Show her when the time is right, the horrors of battling your own mind. 

So that she may seek comfort in knowing; she may certainly be the only one (out of millions for that matter) who hallucinates at her age.

This, I cannot tell her we have in common.

But the brutal inner battle  between good and evil, I do understand. 

And she will seek solace in knowing her mother has battled that (and still does) her whole life.

Stay Strong.

Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

Closure? Or Punishment? {A Mother’s Confessions}

It’s a desolate feeling knowing your child isn’t home with you.

  
Today we drove our first born child to a Hopsital which we willingly knew we wouldn’t be able to take her home from.

I’ve been walking for a few hours now.

I can’t emote.

No matter how hard I try to cry I cannot.

I feel lost.

Empty,

Broken.

I know in my heart I should be rejoicing knowing that for the first time in nearly 5 years of seeking answers to Keira’s condition and only receiving empty answers from medical professionals,  we’ve finally found a team who wants to help her.

But how is a parent to feel after the deed is done?

Keira knew what we were doing.
I let her choose what she wanted.

Deep down a part of me was desperately hoping she wouldn’t oblige. 

Having been inpatient twice in my life I know the feeling all too well when you’ve finally been admitted and your family leaves you.

But you see, we know they aren’t leaving us.



And yet the person cannot help but be grateful to those who have helped them, and at the same time feel a deep obligation to themselves to say Goodbye.



I don’t care what Keira is diagnosed with.
I know she’s been suffering more than any 8 year old should ever have to endure.
An outcast,

A seemingly beautiful and normal child to the outside world.

But you must understand that she wasn’t raised by a normal mother.

All her life she was subconsciously taught to mask her true emotions.

So much that she became the mask just as I had.

She has been internalizing a battle within which has up unto l recently, been one that even her father and I hadn’t known how severe it had been.

Please do not think this is by any means easy for Matthew and I to speak of so transparently to the world.

I’ve made it home finally.

After sitting on my stoop the last hour I realized it was time to go inside.
But you see, this home is not a home without her.
I’ve never realized how much our daughter has saved me up until recent weeks.
Such a queer disposition; explaining to the world that mental illness healed mental illness.
But there is no denying.

Keira has saved me from myself,
She is wiser beyond her years emotionally and yet she do desperately wishes to live the life of a child.
She deserves that much.
I know we’ll never be able to fully satisfy that, but I can only hope that those who love and accept her for all that she is, will do their damnedest to protect that inner child and allow her to flourish.
I grew up too quickly.

I had to to survive.
If there’s anything I know about Keira, It is that she is a warrior just as her father is.
Matthew may be strong, but he is feeling the sting from today’s act.
I know after a few days, he will have the ability to regulate far better than I will.
But no parent should ever have to do what we did today.
The one parent I could remotely seek solace in, has forgotten his experiences with me.

I don’t blame him.
She will be gone for a while.
I promised her I would see her as much as she desired to have her mother there.
I will fight to make Matt proud.
A weakness has consumed my mind and it has been egging me to give in.
To relapse.
I owe Keira that much to stay strong and resist self punishment.

Never take your children for granted.

If they are acting out, even if it pisses you off to no end,



VALIDATE their EMOTIONS.

Too many years did I treat her emotions poorly.
Far too many times did I write off all of her elaborate stories. 
I am listening now.
And yet I know she will always have an internal battle against wanting to push us out to punish us, and desperately needing our love and affection to nurture her.
Love your children. 

Hug them tighter each time you see them.
I think I needed to expel some word vomit so I could sleep.

I have an IEP meeting at her school tomorrow.

I am in hopes to wake up strong,

Knowing she is safe, and she is waiting to hear my voice.

You cannot possibly make up the things we’ve experienced in our lives together.

Matthew and I live a life movies are based on.

But it is a life I would never exchange.
And I am ready to show the world how selfless I can be.

By saving our daughter; just as she has saved me…

Stay Strong.