{Confessions Of An Exhausted Mother}

I’m burnt out. Matthew and I both are.


Most days I roll by without people knowing what goes on behind closed doors in our little world.

Keira has been on emergency suspension for 6 days now from school.

Her mood and aggression has been an extremely difficult task for Matthew and I to tame.

He’s been to work 2 days in the last two weeks.

A couple of his fellow employees contributed shared leave hours to help keep a portion of his salary intact.

Even though we refinanced the house and have less bills, the half salary is going to make things rough. 

Intermittent FMLA means exactly what it states. 

He stays home intermittently throughout the following year so as to help with emotional instabilities with Keira, or if one of us needs to remove Guy Danger from the home like I had yesterday to protect him from seeing/hearing the anger his sister has.

Suicide awareness is very apparent now at the tender age of barely 9.

I can no longer allow Keira to be in the back yard alone without supervision when she is in a negative state of mind.

Two days ago, she attempted to climb our white tree in the back yard from a chair.

When prompted with my question as to why she was climbing; her response,

“I want to climb high and jump off so I can snap my neck and be dead!”

We have always had a problem with Keira’s obsession with television/electronics.

Even she acknowledges it is a massive trigger for her, but like any heroine addict, once they get a small taste of it or even hear the word,
The obsession to have it begins.
I spent the better part of 5.5 hours with Matt yesterday; hearing Keira scream non stop threatening suicide, threatening to kill me, desperately attempting to say anything to get either of us to cave and allow her to have whatever she needs.

Now here’s the twist..

When Keira goes from manipulative tv Keira- to just plain irrational GONE Keira, there is zero reasoning, attempts to comfort her,
Physical relaxation or empathy that will let this child be at ease.

She will shriek for hours on ends, wallowing in self hate. 

If you try to walk near her she screams in severe terror; eyes scrunched shut wailing out we are going to kill her repetitively.

She also has a gift of making personal attacks against my physical features to break me down.

While I do not need to divulge the details of those, I will say, it is the equivalent of the worse bully bitch you had to fight in high school ( if you had experienced that at all)

She has an uncanny way to ooze under my skin and break me down. 
We both have taken a ‘no talk’ approach to her picking fights.

For some reason, the positive attention is not enough for Keira anymore and she has switched to deliberately attempting to make us frustrated or to pick fights by bringing up irrelevant subjects.

When Matthew is home with me, I have the chance to keep my armor intact by walking away for a moment and cleansing my mind with some calm soothing breaths.
That is just one thing that has been bothering Keira lately.

Electronics have always been something like a friend to her.

She prefers to live in the stories created through any shows than to live in her own realities.

As I watch Keira grow and see her mental state evolve, I experience flash backs of my childhood which help me empathize with her.

As traumatizing as they may be at times, I can attempt to at least tell her, ‘you’re not alone Keira.’

When I asked her why she was so angry all the time, my worst fear came alive in four small words,
“Because I hate myself.”

That right there, is how I started to feel about me at the age of 9.

Keira may be a Borderline along with massive sensory integration issues and perhaps some other symptoms.

Dr. Ford has hinted in the past that she may have symptoms of BPD. 

She also firmly believes most mental illnesses reside in genetics.

Needless to say, if she is a Borderline, it will not be an easy task. 

*Chuckles*
it hasn’t been the last 5 years. 
But we stand strong together, Matt and I, ready to keep fighting and persevering through the darkness of it all.

Word vomit was strong today but I’m hoping that after writing this, it may help keep my mental clarity strong and resilient for today’s battles.

She goes back to school tomorrow.
We’ve never cared the label of Keira’s illness, but we DO care about finding the right path to leading her down to success.
As always, take care.

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One’s Purpose In Life vs. What They Were Born To Do

I want to speak a little about life, and why we must make decisions that are/aren’t imperative towards progress in our futures.
  
This morning my husband left for Eastern WA to go do what he was born to do.

He hasn’t gone hunting since the first year I met him, just 9 years ago, and it has haunted me each year that has passed.

The last trip he went on, was also the weekend We (unknowingly) conceived what has come to be the most beautiful little 8 year old girl I’ve ever known.

He’s sacrificed one of his true callings for her and I.

From the moment she was born,

To the NICU stay for weeks,

To nearly losing her.

He sacrificed his dream career to have a stable one with reasonable hours so that he would be there for her.

Years have passed and every year he lost more of that man he was meant to be.

Although tested through many trials in his life, he’s always remained true to his purpose.

Let me clarify the differences between being born to do something, and what ones purpose in life are:

He’s a born leader,
A warrior,
A hunter.

Matthew has always shown leadership and strength in anything he has always done.

Some have mistaken his demeanor as cold and heartless.

I was even one to assume that at times throughout the years.

But when you take time to reflect on the true meaning of your life, (as I have this AM) I now SEE the differences…

He was born to do all these things Ive spoken of, but his true purpose is to be a father and a husband.

His path changed the day our daughter was born.

Neither of us regret any decisions we have made so far, and now with Guy Danger in our lives, we are especially cautious with the decisions we make for ourselves; so as to not stray from our true purposes in life due to our own selfish antics.

“There is nothing wrong with being selfish and wanting things for yourself…” He said this morning.

Matthew is right. 
And I fully supported him this year to make sure he would be doing exactly what he is this morning, which is driving over the mountain pass towards his true calling.

It is difficult at times to grasp a sense on reality when you fight to see that you must remain here for your Given Purpose, as opposed to what you desperately want to show the world and perhaps, prove to yourself.

But we stand strong, And we see our purposes now crystal clear. 

Although We may digress to challenge that at times. We both know that once in a while- 

Just like Matthew today, 

It’s a necessity to the purpose, to be a little selfish.
Bag a big one husband. I’m proud of you. Breathe in the air and let the animals come to you. ❤️

“Why Me?” {A Mother’s Worst Fears Heard}

“Why me?” 

  
A simple question that leaves you helpless and in pain as a parent of a child suffering from a severe mental illness.

Today was the first day Keira screamed it out of despair in her room.

I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breathe. My worst fear came true.

Matthew went to console her. She asked him straight to his face. 

“But why me Dad?”

As I sat in the other room cuddling Guy Danger I listened to their conversation.

Matthew has now become a hero in her eyes saving her from the hallucination that debilitates her capabilities to function properly.

I am proud of him.

Even now as I write this, he sits next to her validating her emotions.

Not a standard validation; but this child was promised her hallucination would go away with medications. 

It has been 2 months since she started anti-psychotics.

Keira is angry with the Doctor. Angry with Matt and I. But most of all,
Furious at the world. 
‘Why Me?’ 

It is the ultimate question people use. Not just with Mental Illness,

But a loss of a loved one,
Financial loss such as foreclosure.

A best friend passing.
Those are just a few examples.
To hear Keira finally mutter that simple phrase (which I have been dreading to hear) was nothing short of a stab to a Mothers heart.

He answered her.

Because you’re special.

We always tell her she was meant to change the world some day.

Keeping her hope alive that she may some day be the only voice within her own mind can be a heavy task daily. 

But it is something Matthew and I do with extreme strength and pride.

She is one of a kind.

A bipolar who hallucinates.

But as always I tell Keira to say,

“I am not my illness…”
Stay Strong.

Who Am I? {Lifes Ultimate Question For All}

I have no photo of my children from Halloween, nor any photos with my children or my husband on Halloween.

My phone has been broken,

when I attempted to ask for a picture it didnt happen.

I have no photo of the costume I made.

This is a true testament to how life buries a persons perception and how imperative the little things are to others in life.

Especially our life.

My desperate attempt to blend into the real world last night was nothing less than sad and pathetic.

Why be around loud music and a bunch of drunks is the big question?

To forget.

To be able to escape from my reality just once.

But even now, that doesn’t seem appealing.

People dont understand,

as a parent raising their child suffering from an illness no one can see, rarely hear…

its as though I am the Boy Who Cried Wolf on a daily basis.

I am mourning.

Mourning the loss of a person I loved very dearly.

She was bright, spirited.

Could light up an entire room with only her smile and general presence.

She left impressions on people that were shocking, leaving them feeling ambivalent the rest of the evening.

A woman that could look at the world and say I can make those people smile.

I can change how their day was by singing this song, or telling a stupid joke.

It was never about her looks,

Was it for attention?

Undoubtedly.

But a thirst to seek adventure and thrill in the outside world.

The world away from her little world.

Last night was the final dagger in the wound.

It is asinine to think that I have any remote chance at being that woman ever again.

It irritates my husband.

I should correct myself.

He says he hates people.

A man who shows much emotional depth in this website has stated many times that he has extreme disdain towards public settings such as that.

I am not looking to go out every weekend.

In fact, this woman I speak of used to leave the home years ago on a nightly basis to seek adventure.

I was so desperate to feel like her again I had asked Matt to drop me off after a meet and greet we had at a couples house party.

His face turned sour as we got closer to home.

The beautiful smile I hadn’t seen in weeks on him had been clear and present the entire evening at that house.

I used to tell him (after we got married in May) how I yearned to stare at him because I loved obsessing over his beauty.

His powerful jaw.

Full supple lips that make me want to smother him in deep passionate kisses.

His eyes, strong and piercing.

But if you’re fortunate enough, you can see a touch of honey in the brown.

That’s his happiness.

Ive only seen dark molasses brown for the last couple months.

To have seen such a small glimpse of that precious color in his eyes for a fleeting bit of the evening was almost unbearable to my heart once it was gone.

But in that moment,

The room tuned out.

I hadn’t seen my husband in ages.

Keira ‘s hallucination says hurtful things to me on a daily basis.

The human mind can only handle so much emotional warfare.

I can’t retaliate. That is rediculus and adolescent.

Where does it all go then?

Where does that anger and hurt have the chance to be purged in a healthy manner?

No where.

I have no where.

So I unknowingly attack Matt.

I am a MONSTER.

We’ve talked a handful of times about my inability to control this suffering rage vomited on him on a daily basis.

He says he can handle it.

I saw a man I never knew was alive when we were married.

I seek solace in those blurry memories of that time back in May/June when he was a completely different man.

A man he said he’d always been (in his words) but had forgotten how to be him.

I stole it away again.

This time, I fear I’ll never get to meet this beautifully rare human being.

He always reiterates hes a simple man.

Only needs his little family.

He was carpooling earlier this year.

After his promotion and two months since Keiras diagnoses, he’s  sought isolation.

He claims he hates people.

Stupid people everywhere.

The last thing he wants to do is go back out into the world with those stupid people with me.

But you see, this personality….

This attitude-

was the man I lived with from after Keira was born.

I remember a man that was so adorable.

Genuine and true.

Not a bull shit ego facade most have.

But he literally pulls you in.

You see him in a room and you immediately say,

I want to meet him.

I know, because that is precisely how I felt the day Matt walked into the room I was in.

It was the day my heart fluttered at the sight of him.

The only other day in my life besides the morning of our wedding, when time itself stopped for a bittersweet second,

And my heart no longer belonged to me.

I didnt have the choice.

My heart chose Matthew that very day August 20, 2006 at a stupid fucking candle party my friend was hosting.

He walked in the room,

Gear grease on his denim,

a very hearty-worn cowboy hat aged with stories of life and debauchery.

He stood briefly in that kitchen, pausing to grab a beer out of the fridge.

His body was slightly hidden by a fish tank, and it was driving me mad I couldn’t see this man.

I had no clue what was being said in the room at the time.

I could give a rats ass personally.

But this man infront of me…

Ten paces away, was making my heart pound menacingly with confusion.

Was it animal lust?

I just left my husband.

My heart was shattered by the failed attempt at a marriage.

But when he finally turned around with his beer in his hand, I heard my friend say something about this man.

His smile curved up, his back tilted backwards ever so slighlty in an almost dumpy fashion and he spoke-

Hi I’m Matt!”

He waived his right hand, brandishing it with comedic intent up in the open air.

Most seen him as a joker and dismissed him immediately to continue the party.

I was mesmerized.

He walked out of the kitchen and into the hall to where I assumed, was his room.

Who was this stunning person?

Ive always gotten vibes from people.

Its wired in me.

But this wasn’t a vibe.

I havent had this memory cross my mind in our entire lifetime together thus far.

He says he is this way. (Presently)

Hes always been this way. 

I call bluff.

But as I said before, I fear I will never get to meet this majestic creature again,

for I may have killed him entirely due to my lack of self control and regulation.

But anytime I see or hear the word honey,
it is a painful but treacherously beautiful moment in my heart.

A moment where I know there has been true happiness and peace within his soul.

Any man or woman can say they’re happy with the life they have in the home they live in- or the career they have.

Im talking about self love.

Inner peace.

I wish nothing more than for Matthew to find his inner peace.

This was originally about myself.

Typical narcissist.

But you all have enabled me to trigger a memory I havent had the honor of re-living until today.

Let the person you love with all your heart choose who they wish to be.

If Matt chooses to remain this stable working /family man he speaks of, then who am I to partonize his choice?

Its exactly that.

Thats the beauty of life.

Choices.

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Stay Classy.

(His Side) The only true adventure

       Today im going to talk about suicide. I am not suicidal but lately I can see the beauty in it, as a man i like adventure and in my opinion death is the only  true adventure. The life I live is often misconstrued as nobel,selfless,heroic or some other bullshit adjective. Im here to tell you it’s not. My beautiful wife is a borderline we have a 8 year old daughter Keira who is a bipolar that hallucinates, and Guy Danger our boy that just turned 1 and he lives up to his name. Now you all have heard me talk about living with Ashleys borderline, but what i haven’t talked about much is Keira. A couple months ago she went inpatient because she was having behavior and emotional outbursts that we could no longer control this was the longest 40 days of my life. Now for the first time after 4 years of different doctors and countless tests we have a diagnosis bipolar NOS with emotion driven hallucinations. Hang in there I promise I’m getting to my point. With all this stuff going on Ashley has put her own mental health on the back burner, as a result has been increasingly difficult to be around keira is now home, Brendina the hallucination dose not like me. This causes keira to be defiant at most times no matter what i ask of her. As for Guy he is 1 and his middle name is Danger you can figure that out for yourselves. I’m trying not to make this just a big whining rant because it’s not. I am lucky enough to have a good job we own our house and i wish it was a option but Ashley has to be home to take care of Keira. Ok I have barely touched on the stresses, hardships  and arguments that make my life  (insert bullshit adjective here) but i can tell you its sucks like I said im not suicidal but I have thought about it. My job is dangerous it would be easy to make it look like a accident, with all the life insurance and accidental death policy’s I have Ashley and the kids would be set for life. Or maybe i could be that guy that goes out for bread and milk and just never comes home I understand it now. When you break my life down into pieces it looks like a shity existence, but the one thing no words can explain is the want and pure determination I have to hold my wifes hand and watch our kids show the world what greatness really is. I will be here for that no matter what  miserys i have to go through.

I love you family you are worth it

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