The Wounded Phoenix

“I will never be the Phoenix that flies, but I will be the fledgling who will always be peering up into the skies wishing she could…”-Ashley Johnson

I am not on medications. I almost ended my life on Lithium.  

Matthew and I were scared and stopped it. Anything is better than how I had obsessed over death. 
Fitness is my only drug that stabilizes me.  
Even when I try to drink it away (the pain) I can’t anymore.  
Not because of “empty calories” fuck that… 
I’ve realized that’s not happiness to me.  
It’s only a sore reminder of who I used to be.  
All the affairs I had, being unfaithful to not only Matt but to Keira- for robbing her of being a great mother, settling as a mediocre one. 
I never realized it until I was slapped in the face (pregnant with our second child) when those addictions were no longer an option to medicate with. 
Everyone walks down different paths in life. 
It’s the ones who CHOOSE to take the most difficult paths (not the easy way out) that are defined by their present and future actions…. 
Regret is a wretched taste in the back of my mouth on a daily basis.  
I can never take back the pain I put the people I love most through.  
But he (Matthew) never fully showed it to me, as he is a man and was desperate to keep me…  
Family has admitted to enabling me (during my darkest times) but to this fucking day,  
I refuse to allow anyone else to bear that as a burden on their shoulders.  
I am responsible for my own actions. I’ve come to the understanding of that through my own will.   
Drinking, sex, drugs, gambling, whatever I did; whatever anyone uses as an outlet that brings negative energy into their lives- it can be eliminated….  
But one cannot do it unless they are willing to accept the heavy chains which will be thrown onto their shoulders for the rest of their lives. 
I choose to use those chains to grow stronger physically. 
This isn’t about redemption.  
It’s about being re born.  
I am not religious. 
But I REFUSE to leave this world without saying I was proud of one thing I had done for MYSELF…   
Not with the children, not with a spouse or partner; friend or companion…  
I’m talking about inner peace with my soul. 
I know I am not the only one. I know you’re (whoever you are) suffering to some degree.(not singling you out, everyone has their inner battles) but whether you see it or not, again- it is a choice.  
I didn’t write this to lecture you or give you some goddamn ‘turn your life around’ seminar.  
I’m iust saying- the night I almost killed myself I was up on a ledge- ready to jump down…  
No one mattered.  
I knew the children deserved a better mother and Matthew needed a woman who could reciprocate the strength he rears in life under every rough and wild circumstance. 
It was him I thought of. 
He has always been hard on me. Buck up. Man up. Stop popping your pill and TRY first. I used to mistake his compassion for rash criticism and judgement towards my decisions in life. 
But I never TRIED. 
I just wanted it to be taken away (the pain and anxiety)  
I enabled a weakness that I was certain could not be reversed. 
And at that moment reflecting as the rain pounded down on my body; and the sun was nearly set bloody in the sky,  

I stepped back, fell to my knees, and wept on a rock. 
Gordon, (my late Uncle) was a drunk. He was exactly that. He took his own life at (my)tender age of nine. He was one of my most treasured people I had loved during childhood. He had a good heart. But he also suffered. 
Him ending his life was truly my golden torch to keeping me here on this earth all these years. 
For I know the pain I experienced when he died; how selfish it had been… 
I can’t do that to the children. I can’t do it to Matthew. Nobody that I love. 
So I suffer everyday.  
But I choose to create a better life within the smoldered ashes. 
I will never be the Phoenix that flies, but I will be the fledgling who will always be peering up into the skies wishing she could-  
Maybe someday I will.  
If I shut you (the world) out, or anyone for that matter, it’s not because I am mad or sad, it’s a self coping and punishment mechanism.  
For when I feel true happiness, that is generally when it is immediately (and with malice) shot down by the inner demons within. 
 I ask people not to pity me. I ask them not to pity themselves (like I so easily used to and still try to) which is why I am an open advocate for metal health awareness now. 
I refuse to mask myself any longer. At least from the outside world.  
Peeling my layers so that family may see is a whole different aspect.  
Sounds like a walking oxymoron right? Well, we all know the people we care about most are The ones who (even though may feel Like a paper cut) can be the most painful sting of all.

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