{Confessions Of An Exhausted Mother}

I’m burnt out. Matthew and I both are.


Most days I roll by without people knowing what goes on behind closed doors in our little world.

Keira has been on emergency suspension for 6 days now from school.

Her mood and aggression has been an extremely difficult task for Matthew and I to tame.

He’s been to work 2 days in the last two weeks.

A couple of his fellow employees contributed shared leave hours to help keep a portion of his salary intact.

Even though we refinanced the house and have less bills, the half salary is going to make things rough. 

Intermittent FMLA means exactly what it states. 

He stays home intermittently throughout the following year so as to help with emotional instabilities with Keira, or if one of us needs to remove Guy Danger from the home like I had yesterday to protect him from seeing/hearing the anger his sister has.

Suicide awareness is very apparent now at the tender age of barely 9.

I can no longer allow Keira to be in the back yard alone without supervision when she is in a negative state of mind.

Two days ago, she attempted to climb our white tree in the back yard from a chair.

When prompted with my question as to why she was climbing; her response,

“I want to climb high and jump off so I can snap my neck and be dead!”

We have always had a problem with Keira’s obsession with television/electronics.

Even she acknowledges it is a massive trigger for her, but like any heroine addict, once they get a small taste of it or even hear the word,
The obsession to have it begins.
I spent the better part of 5.5 hours with Matt yesterday; hearing Keira scream non stop threatening suicide, threatening to kill me, desperately attempting to say anything to get either of us to cave and allow her to have whatever she needs.

Now here’s the twist..

When Keira goes from manipulative tv Keira- to just plain irrational GONE Keira, there is zero reasoning, attempts to comfort her,
Physical relaxation or empathy that will let this child be at ease.

She will shriek for hours on ends, wallowing in self hate. 

If you try to walk near her she screams in severe terror; eyes scrunched shut wailing out we are going to kill her repetitively.

She also has a gift of making personal attacks against my physical features to break me down.

While I do not need to divulge the details of those, I will say, it is the equivalent of the worse bully bitch you had to fight in high school ( if you had experienced that at all)

She has an uncanny way to ooze under my skin and break me down. 
We both have taken a ‘no talk’ approach to her picking fights.

For some reason, the positive attention is not enough for Keira anymore and she has switched to deliberately attempting to make us frustrated or to pick fights by bringing up irrelevant subjects.

When Matthew is home with me, I have the chance to keep my armor intact by walking away for a moment and cleansing my mind with some calm soothing breaths.
That is just one thing that has been bothering Keira lately.

Electronics have always been something like a friend to her.

She prefers to live in the stories created through any shows than to live in her own realities.

As I watch Keira grow and see her mental state evolve, I experience flash backs of my childhood which help me empathize with her.

As traumatizing as they may be at times, I can attempt to at least tell her, ‘you’re not alone Keira.’

When I asked her why she was so angry all the time, my worst fear came alive in four small words,
“Because I hate myself.”

That right there, is how I started to feel about me at the age of 9.

Keira may be a Borderline along with massive sensory integration issues and perhaps some other symptoms.

Dr. Ford has hinted in the past that she may have symptoms of BPD. 

She also firmly believes most mental illnesses reside in genetics.

Needless to say, if she is a Borderline, it will not be an easy task. 

*Chuckles*
it hasn’t been the last 5 years. 
But we stand strong together, Matt and I, ready to keep fighting and persevering through the darkness of it all.

Word vomit was strong today but I’m hoping that after writing this, it may help keep my mental clarity strong and resilient for today’s battles.

She goes back to school tomorrow.
We’ve never cared the label of Keira’s illness, but we DO care about finding the right path to leading her down to success.
As always, take care.

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