I have no photo of my children from Halloween, nor any photos with my children or my husband on Halloween.
My phone has been broken,
when I attempted to ask for a picture it didnt happen.
I have no photo of the costume I made.
This is a true testament to how life buries a persons perception and how imperative the little things are to others in life.
Especially our life.
My desperate attempt to blend into the real world last night was nothing less than sad and pathetic.
Why be around loud music and a bunch of drunks is the big question?
To be able to escape from my reality just once.
But even now, that doesn’t seem appealing.
People dont understand,
as a parent raising their child suffering from an illness no one can see, rarely hear…
its as though I am the Boy Who Cried Wolf on a daily basis.
I am mourning.
Mourning the loss of a person I loved very dearly.
She was bright, spirited.
Could light up an entire room with only her smile and general presence.
She left impressions on people that were shocking, leaving them feeling ambivalent the rest of the evening.
A woman that could look at the world and say I can make those people smile.
I can change how their day was by singing this song, or telling a stupid joke.
It was never about her looks,
Was it for attention?
But a thirst to seek adventure and thrill in the outside world.
The world away from her little world.
Last night was the final dagger in the wound.
It is asinine to think that I have any remote chance at being that woman ever again.
It irritates my husband.
I should correct myself.
He says he hates people.
A man who shows much emotional depth in this website has stated many times that he has extreme disdain towards public settings such as that.
I am not looking to go out every weekend.
In fact, this woman I speak of used to leave the home years ago on a nightly basis to seek adventure.
I was so desperate to feel like her again I had asked Matt to drop me off after a meet and greet we had at a couples house party.
His face turned sour as we got closer to home.
The beautiful smile I hadn’t seen in weeks on him had been clear and present the entire evening at that house.
I used to tell him (after we got married in May) how I yearned to stare at him because I loved obsessing over his beauty.
His powerful jaw.
Full supple lips that make me want to smother him in deep passionate kisses.
His eyes, strong and piercing.
But if you’re fortunate enough, you can see a touch of honey in the brown.
That’s his happiness.
Ive only seen dark molasses brown for the last couple months.
To have seen such a small glimpse of that precious color in his eyes for a fleeting bit of the evening was almost unbearable to my heart once it was gone.
But in that moment,
The room tuned out.
I hadn’t seen my husband in ages.
Keira ‘s hallucination says hurtful things to me on a daily basis.
The human mind can only handle so much emotional warfare.
I can’t retaliate. That is rediculus and adolescent.
Where does it all go then?
Where does that anger and hurt have the chance to be purged in a healthy manner?
I have no where.
So I unknowingly attack Matt.
I am a MONSTER.
We’ve talked a handful of times about my inability to control this suffering rage vomited on him on a daily basis.
He says he can handle it.
I saw a man I never knew was alive when we were married.
I seek solace in those blurry memories of that time back in May/June when he was a completely different man.
A man he said he’d always been (in his words) but had forgotten how to be him.
I stole it away again.
This time, I fear I’ll never get to meet this beautifully rare human being.
He always reiterates hes a simple man.
Only needs his little family.
He was carpooling earlier this year.
After his promotion and two months since Keiras diagnoses, he’s sought isolation.
He claims he hates people.
Stupid people everywhere.
The last thing he wants to do is go back out into the world with those stupid people with me.
But you see, this personality….
was the man I lived with from after Keira was born.
I remember a man that was so adorable.
Genuine and true.
Not a bull shit ego facade most have.
But he literally pulls you in.
You see him in a room and you immediately say,
I want to meet him.
I know, because that is precisely how I felt the day Matt walked into the room I was in.
It was the day my heart fluttered at the sight of him.
The only other day in my life besides the morning of our wedding, when time itself stopped for a bittersweet second,
And my heart no longer belonged to me.
I didnt have the choice.
My heart chose Matthew that very day August 20, 2006 at a stupid fucking candle party my friend was hosting.
He walked in the room,
Gear grease on his denim,
a very hearty-worn cowboy hat aged with stories of life and debauchery.
He stood briefly in that kitchen, pausing to grab a beer out of the fridge.
His body was slightly hidden by a fish tank, and it was driving me mad I couldn’t see this man.
I had no clue what was being said in the room at the time.
I could give a rats ass personally.
But this man infront of me…
Ten paces away, was making my heart pound menacingly with confusion.
Was it animal lust?
I just left my husband.
My heart was shattered by the failed attempt at a marriage.
But when he finally turned around with his beer in his hand, I heard my friend say something about this man.
His smile curved up, his back tilted backwards ever so slighlty in an almost dumpy fashion and he spoke-
“Hi I’m Matt!”
He waived his right hand, brandishing it with comedic intent up in the open air.
Most seen him as a joker and dismissed him immediately to continue the party.
I was mesmerized.
He walked out of the kitchen and into the hall to where I assumed, was his room.
Who was this stunning person?
Ive always gotten vibes from people.
Its wired in me.
But this wasn’t a vibe.
I havent had this memory cross my mind in our entire lifetime together thus far.
He says he is this way. (Presently)
Hes always been this way.
I call bluff.
But as I said before, I fear I will never get to meet this majestic creature again,
for I may have killed him entirely due to my lack of self control and regulation.
But anytime I see or hear the word honey,
it is a painful but treacherously beautiful moment in my heart.
A moment where I know there has been true happiness and peace within his soul.
Any man or woman can say they’re happy with the life they have in the home they live in- or the career they have.
Im talking about self love.
I wish nothing more than for Matthew to find his inner peace.
This was originally about myself.
But you all have enabled me to trigger a memory I havent had the honor of re-living until today.
Let the person you love with all your heart choose who they wish to be.
If Matt chooses to remain this stable working /family man he speaks of, then who am I to partonize his choice?
Its exactly that.
Thats the beauty of life.