(His Side) The only true adventure

       Today im going to talk about suicide. I am not suicidal but lately I can see the beauty in it, as a man i like adventure and in my opinion death is the only  true adventure. The life I live is often misconstrued as nobel,selfless,heroic or some other bullshit adjective. Im here to tell you it’s not. My beautiful wife is a borderline we have a 8 year old daughter Keira who is a bipolar that hallucinates, and Guy Danger our boy that just turned 1 and he lives up to his name. Now you all have heard me talk about living with Ashleys borderline, but what i haven’t talked about much is Keira. A couple months ago she went inpatient because she was having behavior and emotional outbursts that we could no longer control this was the longest 40 days of my life. Now for the first time after 4 years of different doctors and countless tests we have a diagnosis bipolar NOS with emotion driven hallucinations. Hang in there I promise I’m getting to my point. With all this stuff going on Ashley has put her own mental health on the back burner, as a result has been increasingly difficult to be around keira is now home, Brendina the hallucination dose not like me. This causes keira to be defiant at most times no matter what i ask of her. As for Guy he is 1 and his middle name is Danger you can figure that out for yourselves. I’m trying not to make this just a big whining rant because it’s not. I am lucky enough to have a good job we own our house and i wish it was a option but Ashley has to be home to take care of Keira. Ok I have barely touched on the stresses, hardships  and arguments that make my life  (insert bullshit adjective here) but i can tell you its sucks like I said im not suicidal but I have thought about it. My job is dangerous it would be easy to make it look like a accident, with all the life insurance and accidental death policy’s I have Ashley and the kids would be set for life. Or maybe i could be that guy that goes out for bread and milk and just never comes home I understand it now. When you break my life down into pieces it looks like a shity existence, but the one thing no words can explain is the want and pure determination I have to hold my wifes hand and watch our kids show the world what greatness really is. I will be here for that no matter what  miserys i have to go through.

I love you family you are worth it

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Suck It Up Buttercup {A Mothers Motivation For Living A Life With A Mentally Ill Child}

I am a woman suffering from BPD…

 

I am also the mother of an extremely mentally ill child.

Keira’s psychotic breaks are severe and can be extremely aggressive upwards of 3-6x a day ranging from small defiance to suicidal ideations/threats of harm to Matt and I.

It is bizarre to say we are “used” to them, but they are threats used on a daily basis when her mind is gone.

I don’t share the details of the horrors of Keira’s mental illness; as it is MY coping mechanism to staying strong.

Yes, Keira’s hallucinations are more on my plate as a Stay at Home Mother.

I’ve always been a shitty Susie Homemaker.

But now I have no choice but to be Wonder Woman to get it all done in one day and prove to myself,

To The World ,

that her illness will not stop me or this family from living life.

Ive allowed myself to forget to fold laundry or clean the bathroom because I ride on the excuse that I had a rough day with breaks with Keira.

I’ve come to the realization that these excuses are not valid by any means…

Because this is OUR LIFE.

I have no career. 

Keira and Guy Danger are my life. 

I no longer have an option.

So feeling sorry for myself because she’s had massive psychotic breaks will leave me cold and crumpled in a fetal position on the floor unable to care for the children.

As much as I wish that were my fate some days I have to pep talk with myself. I say,

Suck it up buttercup…

Life is a bitch sometimes.

But you can either lie down and take her beatings, or rise up and become stronger than you’ve ever been before.

It may always seem like two steps forward and four steps back…

But if you think about any obstacles and challenges in life that are presented to you, you’re always moving forward regardless.

Never stop walking forward no matter how many times you stumble.

Find the beast within. 

I’m seeking to bed the Lioness and transform into the Lion. 👊🏻

I can’t be Me…

I’m trapped.

   
I’ve given up on writing.

I’ve given up on even feeling.

I have to wear a mask everyday. Not by choice.

It’s what is necessary to my daughters mental health and well being.

People consider it me being strong and are proud of me for controlling my demons…

This is not control.

This- this is Purgatory.




I’m never going to wash the filth off, cleanse away the bad.

It’s a part of me.

Always has been, Always will be.

I can’t show the world my pain like I had before.

My deepest desires to mutilate and see blood dripping from my face.

They see me as an unfit mother.

CPS was called once already because of my blog.

So now I bottle my pain and stuff it deeper each day.

Because I know I cannot show the world to help the adults/teens and keep my status as a sane mother and caregiver to our little girl.

I am the only one who can take care of Keira.

Matthew tries but even he admits she can’t have a successful life without me.

Go back to “But What About Me?”  It started there.

There’s no other way of putting it but to say I am gone.

I am mourning the loss of myself.

Cutting and self sabotage has been a part of me since I was a kid just slightly older than Keira.

I’m certain she will have these battles throughout her life but if I don’t allow her to see that it is what her mommy does, than I am sure she has a lot less of a chance at creating these outlets which are by no means healthy,

But are exactly that. Outlets.

A release from the pain.

People troll the Internet to find a weak spot on me and fuck up the life this little family has.

If I show me, at my weakest, and one of those persons decides to call Child Protective Services again, they will have most certainly condemned Keira to a life of pain and failure.

I Am The One. 

The one to care for her. Show her when the time is right, the horrors of battling your own mind. 

So that she may seek comfort in knowing; she may certainly be the only one (out of millions for that matter) who hallucinates at her age.

This, I cannot tell her we have in common.

But the brutal inner battle  between good and evil, I do understand. 

And she will seek solace in knowing her mother has battled that (and still does) her whole life.

Stay Strong.