Dear Dad, {The Confessions Of A Guilt-Ridden Borderline}

Dear Dad,  My heart weighs heavy this eve.

There are many things that are haunting me.

I’ve slipped into some old selfish ways..

Taken advantage of your good nature

And created financial strain.

My weaknesses fueled the fire,

Made me beg for help,

Only to abuse it for a while.

But I’ve seen what I’ve done and I cannot undo the pain.

For you see, Mama has been helping me,

During these dark and dismal days.

I haven’t written to you in years

And it brings me tears to show you how I feel.
But it must be done,

So that I can move forward to become better than I once was.

In turn I choose to let you two go.

If only for a while

So as to balance out life,

Get a grip instead of living in denial.

Both of you have raised me the best that you could.

I love my Mama dearly,

And you will always be my light.

Please forgive me for what I have done.

I have no excuses, 

No legitimate ones.

I will always love you to the best of my abilities.

And always seek the day I can make you proud.

And never have doubt in your mind that I may regress back to who I once was.

I did that in the last week and please forgive me for this.

A parent will do whatever means necessary to help their child.

I’ve done all I can for Keira,

But I know monetary values will not mend the ties I’ve broken between her and I.

I love you Dad,

Always and forever.

Take care of yourself.

And please, hug my Mother.

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Closure? Or Punishment? {A Mother’s Confessions}

It’s a desolate feeling knowing your child isn’t home with you.

  
Today we drove our first born child to a Hopsital which we willingly knew we wouldn’t be able to take her home from.

I’ve been walking for a few hours now.

I can’t emote.

No matter how hard I try to cry I cannot.

I feel lost.

Empty,

Broken.

I know in my heart I should be rejoicing knowing that for the first time in nearly 5 years of seeking answers to Keira’s condition and only receiving empty answers from medical professionals,  we’ve finally found a team who wants to help her.

But how is a parent to feel after the deed is done?

Keira knew what we were doing.
I let her choose what she wanted.

Deep down a part of me was desperately hoping she wouldn’t oblige. 

Having been inpatient twice in my life I know the feeling all too well when you’ve finally been admitted and your family leaves you.

But you see, we know they aren’t leaving us.



And yet the person cannot help but be grateful to those who have helped them, and at the same time feel a deep obligation to themselves to say Goodbye.



I don’t care what Keira is diagnosed with.
I know she’s been suffering more than any 8 year old should ever have to endure.
An outcast,

A seemingly beautiful and normal child to the outside world.

But you must understand that she wasn’t raised by a normal mother.

All her life she was subconsciously taught to mask her true emotions.

So much that she became the mask just as I had.

She has been internalizing a battle within which has up unto l recently, been one that even her father and I hadn’t known how severe it had been.

Please do not think this is by any means easy for Matthew and I to speak of so transparently to the world.

I’ve made it home finally.

After sitting on my stoop the last hour I realized it was time to go inside.
But you see, this home is not a home without her.
I’ve never realized how much our daughter has saved me up until recent weeks.
Such a queer disposition; explaining to the world that mental illness healed mental illness.
But there is no denying.

Keira has saved me from myself,
She is wiser beyond her years emotionally and yet she do desperately wishes to live the life of a child.
She deserves that much.
I know we’ll never be able to fully satisfy that, but I can only hope that those who love and accept her for all that she is, will do their damnedest to protect that inner child and allow her to flourish.
I grew up too quickly.

I had to to survive.
If there’s anything I know about Keira, It is that she is a warrior just as her father is.
Matthew may be strong, but he is feeling the sting from today’s act.
I know after a few days, he will have the ability to regulate far better than I will.
But no parent should ever have to do what we did today.
The one parent I could remotely seek solace in, has forgotten his experiences with me.

I don’t blame him.
She will be gone for a while.
I promised her I would see her as much as she desired to have her mother there.
I will fight to make Matt proud.
A weakness has consumed my mind and it has been egging me to give in.
To relapse.
I owe Keira that much to stay strong and resist self punishment.

Never take your children for granted.

If they are acting out, even if it pisses you off to no end,



VALIDATE their EMOTIONS.

Too many years did I treat her emotions poorly.
Far too many times did I write off all of her elaborate stories. 
I am listening now.
And yet I know she will always have an internal battle against wanting to push us out to punish us, and desperately needing our love and affection to nurture her.
Love your children. 

Hug them tighter each time you see them.
I think I needed to expel some word vomit so I could sleep.

I have an IEP meeting at her school tomorrow.

I am in hopes to wake up strong,

Knowing she is safe, and she is waiting to hear my voice.

You cannot possibly make up the things we’ve experienced in our lives together.

Matthew and I live a life movies are based on.

But it is a life I would never exchange.
And I am ready to show the world how selfless I can be.

By saving our daughter; just as she has saved me…

Stay Strong.

(HIS SIDE) I’m still here

      For anybody that is wondering I am indeed still here. 

  
 When I last wrote to you i was having a hard time finding a way to remain emotional but still handle Ashleys emotional swings. For those of you wondering what i have been talking about and I don’t know how I do this, but I can take all emotion out of things and replace it with logic and reason. The result of this is a cold but steady person and for many years this was beneficial to Ashley, but it is no way to live

     It has been a couple months now and i feel that with a little practice, patience and good communication i have found a happy medium. It is still overwhelming at times especially with our daughter’s condition getting worse, but I feel that I am becoming a better husband and father. Till next time when ever that is remember you are not alone.

The Danger Within The Crossfire

I love our son.

  
I’ve realized in this entire blog I’ve only ever spoken of him once.

His name is Guy Danger.

Matt named him.

In February 2014, two nights after super bowl night, I found out I was pregnant with another child.

All my life I wanted a large family.

Countless years after giving birth to our beautiful daughter I had been told by my husband and other family that the reason we shouldn’t give birth to another child was that I wasn’t mentally sound.

Other stipulating factors are what most other families argue- finances.

As the years went by with Keira, I still had an emptiness within which propelled a compulsive yearning for another child.

Perhaps it was to “fix” what I hadn’t done to raise Keira. 

The night we found out I tested positive for pregnancy, it was the polar opposite of what I had always dreamed.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be a woman dreading that other line popping up.

My heart sank.

Keira had been showing more symptoms over the last year of her life. 

She was (at the time) just shy of 7 years old.

Matthew and I were at the lowest point of our relationship.

We lost apprecitation for one another.

He was cold, and I was completely selfish with my own emotions.

Abortion is something I have always believed is the woman’s choice. 

For me however, terminating a life for lack of precautions on my behalf is an act which is unforgivable.
Matthew knew how I felt. 

It was a bitter night, I told him bluntly by showing him.

My hands were shaking as I held up the test.

What do we do?

“Please don’t think this is what I want right now. I know I’ve only asked for this for years, but you have to believe me, it’s not what I want. It’s not what we can have right now…”



There is no point in revealing the details of that conversation In specifics, but that little bit was a Segway into how the proceeding 8 months were to be for my family.

I carried Guy alone.

At least I felt that way.

We’ve had closure on this topic after we were married in May of this year.

But I still have pain thinking at times how he never touched me.

How he never spoke to him.

Keira’s pregnancy was planned, sort of. 

We said Wing It. 6 weeks later we conceived her…

At our sonogram appointment to see the sex of the baby, Matthew was cold, he attributed his attitude to having been exhausted from just getting off of night shift.

I later found that all of this heartless demeanor was quite the opposite of how he truly felt.

He went through hell with Keira’s birth.

Watched his daughter almost die.

He watched the woman he loved nearly die.

I am one of the Americans unfortunate enough to not have antibodies against HSV, or herpes simplex virus. (Cold Sores) 




For those of you who don’t know, HSV is extremely deadly to infants.

The sexually transmitted form (HSV Type 2) is almost a guaranteed death warrant to an unborn fetus.

Keira contracted the virus in utero while in labor.

My body shot the herpes into hyper drive and also attacked my body.

Long story short, (since this post is about our son) she almost died. We didn’t know it was herpes.

My doctor- (Dr. James Allen Joki) seen Matt at Seattle Childrens Hopsital when visiting on his own time to check on Keira.

It was day 4 and she had been placed in a medically induced coma to keep her alive.

All tests showed her body rejecting anything they had attempted to use to save her.

The blood transfusion Matt signed off for was failing as well.

He saw Matt,

He had a bad cold sore on his lip.  

He asked him very abruptly if he’d had cold sores his entire life. 

His response,

Yes.

My doctor ran up to the NICU and told them to put Keira on Acyclovire for treatment of Herpes.

He saved her life.

He’s never forgiven himself for that. But we do not see it as a failure.

He saved my life when he delivered me.

I was suffocating and he gave me cpr after the cord strangled me into a still born.

I am in debt to that man.

All this is pertinent to the story I am explaining about my pregnancy with Guy.

For you see, Matthew endured more than any man should through their first child’s birth.

And because of those trials, he attained some painful scars and PTSD.

The whole pregnancy it wasn’t a matter of him not loving the child like I thought every day.

It was that he couldn’t bear another near death experience of two people he loved.

When we delivered Guy, Matthew was clear and present.
He told me at that moment in the operating room for cesarean, he knew Guy (as well as myself) would be safe from harm. Because we had the best doctor on this earth.

Dr. Joki was far more emotionally invested in this pregnancy than he should have been due to Keira’s birth.
Even after all these years he continued to apologize for what had happened.
There was no need. 
Because his diligence and passion to protect a patient he’s known her whole life, made Matthews mind at ease.
Guy Danger was born healthy.
We both had problems emotionally at times. 
I never was able to hold Keira for the first 3 weeks of her life.
To have a tiny human on your chest, feeding and skin to skin comfort- was something I could not fully appreciate because I thought I was betraying Keira.

She never had that. 

Why should I have deserved it with Guy?

He is now almost 10 months old and a beautiful child.  
Just as smart as Keira.

And growing faster than I’ve seen a child grow before.
Within his normalcy for growth, he has to battle a crossfire of turbulent emotions with Keira, myself, and Matthew.

Her psychotic episodes are so rapid day to day, that our beautiful little son has to hear things he shouldn’t. 

His sister screaming uncontrollably.
Matthew and I going from logic and reasoning, to “tough love approach” yelling at Keira.

Anything to bring her back.

If you’ve never seen a person break from reality and start full hallucinations, it’s terrifying.

Add that war to a innocent 8 year old girl and you have a living hell which no parent deserves to see or experience.

I’ve always known Keira was different.

We both believed for years it was from the severe viral  trauma at birth. 

But in the last year, I knew she had breaks from reality. 
I cannot diagnose but there’s no other way to relate than to tell you I’ve seen my uncles eyes in Keira’s when she has gone full psychosis.

My dear uncle is severely schizophrenic.

They said he attained it after being exposed to fire in their Home at a young age.

Years growing up, I would see James as a child, and when he was in “the dark side” his eyes had a way of narrowing downward in such a way that the very hairs running down your spine stood up.

To fear somebody you love is a horrible thing to feel. 

The one Mother I could ask for advice on how to raise such a gifted child has passed on two years ago.

My grandmother.
Guy Danger will always be loved as much as Keira.

We have had the fear cross our minds that there is the possibility that this illness could be genetic…

I refuse to think about that right now. 

Love your children.

The ones who appear healthy, like Guy Danger, are actually the ones who will suffer in the long run.

Just as Matthew has with me.

And many other people who are the true victims in the battle against mental illness.

I try to hug him more.
I try to spend more time alternating “alone time” between Matt with Keira and me with her (vice versa with Guy)
Trying to find the balance for the other child is something I know we can never perfect.

All we can do as parents is show him we love him.

Reassure him he is here with us because we want him to be.



In the end, a mothers intuition is the strongest lead you could ever have. 
Take care.
And Stay Strong.

My Unconventional Success {The Confessions Of A Borderline Fitness Junkie}

Borderline is something I wish no one to have to suffer from.

  
But it has also been a blessing and unstoppable force when it comes to my health and physical transformation.
The last image on the right was me at my lowest weight, along with an acquired eating disorder due to restricting calories to 500-900 a day. I was desperate to be thin. This is a HUGE eye opener to showing the benefits of weight lifting strictly for weight loss vs calorie restriction and intense cardio.

I always tell people the same thing, you have to WANT to change. 

I’ve never expected others to hold me accountable for my fitness and health, not even my husband.

I put this collage together to try to show with photos what I have failed to explain in words to countless people.

The negatives and poison in my life fuel each work out.  

I have no set diet,

I eat burgers on the weekend and drink beer for stupid movie nights.

I am completely unconventional for the epitome of a weight loss success story.

But I pour my heart into weight lifting.

I’ve worked out I don’t know how many times with tears flowing down my face and the brim of my cap pulled way down low.

Any time I wanted to say ‘I just can’t today’ it was an excuse which I canceled out by using logic and reasoning over emotion.

Don’t you feel better after each workout?

Isn’t your mind at peace and you’re smiling when you walk out of those gym doors and head back home?

That is my life, what works for me won’t work for others.

Matthew told me ,

“don’t set a goal, if I set a goal then I’ll stop once I get there. If there is no goal, you’ll always keep moving forward and continue to get stronger.”

Find your click, roll with it. Never expect others to hold you up but ALWAYS welcome support and encouragement.

In the end, the only thing standing in your way, is you.

#fitness #fitlife #lifting #weightloss #womenwholift #workinprogress #musclevsfat #dontbackdown #nevergivein

We Are The Knights Of The Internal Battles

We have never been heard as the peasants. So now. We must become the Knights.

  
I’ll never expect people to wear the heavy chain male which is fastened tightly next to our hearts. We are knights waging into a battle which we know we cannot fully win. 
As a parent, you’ll do whatever means necessary to protect your children.
I choose to not speak to people anymore about Keira. So does Matt.
Family cringes when I speak of the truths and take the easy road out by changing the subject/ or telling us they have to go.
I’ve seen it in people’s eyes all too many times.
For those who try to listen, but cave after the immense details are purged, I forgive you.
Matthew and I are alone, we’ve said it since the beginning.
I’ll spend the rest of my life advocating for Keira and for parent of children like hers; who are in such an infinitesimal scale of statistics that there is no data to base for accurate diagnoses.
We do not know what Keira’s illness is.
However, I do know her illness does not define who she is.
People fear the unknown. Loved ones fear pain. 
But courage under Fire is never mastered until fear itself, has become your friend – not foe.

Sex Is The Drug To My Rock And Roll

Sex is phenomenal. 

The only thing better than sex is weight lifting.

  
I bet you’re all saying, ‘wow Ash! Great first come back post!’ 

If any of you have ever read the blog with Matthew and I throughout the last few months, you will always see that sex is something we both firmly believe is mandatory to health and well being.

Notice how I titled this post? 

I love Rock And Roll…
Typically people take drugs or drink alcohol to enhance sexual experiences in certain environments or to lower their inhibitions and enhance their openness to trying kinkier things than what they normally perform in the bedroom at home.
I do not do drugs. 
I don’t actually like being drunk at all during sex.
For me, it doesn’t lower my inhibitions, rather takes away my abilities to fully read another persons body language. 
I have the gift of reading people’s emotions and that also applies to when I’m about to sleep with them.
Go back to My blog post, Making Love Is Bullshit. Sex Is Just Sex. 


I still stand by what I said, however I should correct it slightly. 
Emotional connection is imperative if you’re planning on having sex with an ongoing partner, or a new one.
That ‘chemistry’  we all speak of on the first date.
I can tell you this.
I typically make up my mind within the first five minutes of meeting a person as to whether or not I want to sleep with them.
I understand not many people have that type of assertiveness towards sexual partners but let’s face it, we’re talking about me here.
If sex is not an active part of my life, then I cannot apply the other therapeutic outlets that I have properly.
DBT will be useless.

Seeing a clinician for regular counseling seems sequentially unappealing.
As those outlets are neglected, the negative personalities surface faster than before and with a fiery rage that seems to be almost imossible to damper and contain.

I’ve been slipping.

More and more I’ve been finding that when Matthew and I have gone days without sleeping together due to stress or our daughter slipping in and out of psychosis states up to half a dozen times a day, I tend to sabotage every God damn thing that brings happiness to my life with extreme prejudice.
I’m tired of it.

But when I’m able to have my release,

My escape through sexual pleasures,

I can conquer anything in the world after.

I always tell Matt before or after a self harm episode 
“Make me forget. Take me away from it all.”
Those are my words which only he understand immediately.

Ravage me.

Purge me of the poison which has been consuming my mind.

I do not lay any emotion into sex. 
As before I said, reference to Making Love Is Bull Shit. Sex Is Just Sex. I could never get Matt (or anyone else for that matter) to sleep with me if I’m bringing in each and every personality I possess.

Insecure Ashley would frighten men and women away.

There is nothing more unnatractive than a woman or man who is highly insecure.

We all have different bodies for a reason.

I am by no means a superficial person.

If a man or woman has a few extra lbs (let’s face it… Look at how Matt and I used to be) that does not automatically negate that I want nothing to do with them.
The connection is the key.
THAT, is the emotions I speak of which are ultimately the winning components to a highly pleasurable encounter.

After I have climaxed and all is said and done, I am typically in my Wise Mind for at least 3-4 hours.

I’d say that’s a fucking win.

It is my drug.
Just as fitness is as well.

If you’re like me, (not necessarily BPD) but someone who urnes for sexual release on a daily basis-

Do not let anyone tell you that you’re wrong for doing so.
Call it slut, red light special, or a man whore for you dudes out there….
If you’re practicing safe sex precautions and being respectful towards the partner(s) by laying out your expectations in the beginning, then who has the right to  undermine you as a human being when the core of what you’re doing is for pleasure and reaching a state of mind that enables peace?

Perspective.

People are far too uptight about sex and I just don’t have time or the breathe to waste on those who wish to thwart my enjoyment due to their lack of participation.

If you’re lacking sex in your life yet you crave to have the release, ask yourself this….

What is really stopping you?

Societies stigmas?

Or yourself?

Stay Classy.