This Is Goodbye For Now

Im sorry to those who follow

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Am I Too Much For People Or Just Some Overly Egostistical Asshole?

My brows are stuck again.

 

I swear the more I attempt to think this through, the more my brows furrow into frustration and my lips purse tighter than a deers butthole running across a busy interstate.
I know I’m loud.

I know I’m obnoxious at times…

I especially take ownership of my perverse and twisted mind. (It’s one of my most enduring qualities in my opinion.)

But because I am “mentally ill” and I am the wife of a strong and confident man, I feel as though people are either afraid to tell me how they really feel (in fear of hurting my feelings) or they don’t want to confront Matthew simply for the fact that they presume he will chew their ass out for attacking his wife.

Bear with me, there’s about to be copious amounts of word vomit.

My sexuality is the front runner of the show.

Hell yes I thrive on attention when I bring up anything about sex.

A person has every right to acknowledge that.

Call it an ‘Attention Whore‘ or ‘Fishing For Attention’

But that’s just it dude… 

It Is A Part Of Me.



I realize I may poke fun at things and offend other people’s spouses or significant others.

But just because I talk like “One Of The Guys”  does not imply that I want to sleep with anyone’s spouse/significant other. (most the time.)

I feel slightly condescending while typing this.. it was not my initial intention of this blog post.

However, I do need to stress that I will not stop being myself.

I know I am a large bag of nuts to hold, but regardless of my demeanor, I can only hope that people can treat me with the same courtesy and respect as I do them.

That includes telling a me their boundaries or limitations to their comfort zones.

Taking one in the rear multiple times (I.E. listening to me when one no longer wishes to) because you don’t have an adequate set to step up and speak your mind is frustrating as all get out.

You don’t need to have male genitalia to have ‘a set’  this applies to you too ladies.

Do not take this as a personal attack, as I am not writing specifically about attacking any one person at all.

But I’m sure as shit there is someone who will read this and say, 

“Why would I want to create confrontation with someone who drives me nuts? She’ll just go ape on me…”



Negative Ghost Rider.

On the contrary, I implore you to speak with me. 

There’s a difference between being intimidating because your a fucking douche and feeling intimidated by someone who is prohibitively confident and carries themselves well.

I understand I sound extremely narcissistic, but if you’ve read anything in this blog about me, you’ll see that I am undoubtedly so.

I want to be happy. Just as I want anyone else to lead a happy life.

I’ve got enough shit battling inside my own head that I don’t have time to fear judgement.

I am pretty sure after beginning my website that I had 100% thrown that out the door in the first place. #perspective

Always speak the truth. Even if you can’t do it in a composed manner.

I would rather have someone hand my ass to me on a silver platter for pissing them off, than to have them sit idly by each time they encounter me and as a result, manifests a “nails on chalkboard” environment.

I’m going to have a kick ass day.

What are you choosing to do? 

Stay Classy.

Scarlet My Dear Old Friend… We Meet Again.

Disconcerting. 

  
This image may appear that way to those who do not yet fully understand me.

I gave in. 
I had to see the trails of red pour against my decrepit face.

It’s truly magnificent. 
I see my inner beauty through my eyes when I look at my reflection after mutilating.

I can assure you, I speak in the most sound mind right now.

Why am I choosing to expose this to you all?

I need to. 

I need to show the world for those who cannot yet do so.

For those who fear judgement from their family, and those who care about them most.
When all they’ve ever wanted is to be accepted, loved, and nurtured for who they really are.

I have no shame anymore.

Take it or leave it, this is me.

It does not contradict how I take care of others.

I punish myself and myself alone.

I can now go about my day functioning with a semi wise mind.

But what hurts me the most, is this..

How much longer do I hide the truth (of how I got hurt) to my sweet little girl?

The time is coming near for that conversation, but I have a strong feeling that she already knows the answer.

Stay Strong.

I Don’t Know How To Love Myself

I feel so foolish posting this.

I’m certain somebody will view this as a pathetic thing to be upset about. But I realize it’s my battle, not yours. Each to their own. Stay Classy

{I realize I didn’t vlog about my intense desire to mutilate my face today. I already felt like a jack ass whining about “being pretty” who the fuck does that? It’s been a few weeks since I last mutilated. 
And like a moron as usual, I thought I got over it and it would never come back again.
I need to see scarlet. I need to punish myself only a little. 
It has nothing to do with anyone else. Self harm is exactly that. Self harm.

I don’t need a psych ward, if I did then I would have a few million invested in those bastards by now.
Executing DBT and coping mechanisms.
But honestly, I don’t know if the deep obsession will pass or not.}

Fuck You Sabotage, AND The Horse You Rode In On…

What the fuck….
  
My old friend Sabotage has swooped in and fucked up my mojo.

Why?

Why does this happen every God damn time things start to go well?

I wrote the blog yesterday about Accepting Your Faults.

I meant every word I wrote.

So what? Now I told myself and the world that I’ve began accepting things to try to better myself as a human being on this earth, and awesome Sabotage decides she wants to liven things up.

I woke up this morning. Hating my nose.

I thought to myself, be logical Ashley.

You’ve never disliked it your entire life…

Why are you actually saying you think you may need reconstruction or a fucking nose job?

Logic flew out my bedroom window and now I’m left with severe anger and doubt.

There’s an extremely bitter taste in the back of my mouth.

I yelled at Matt this morning.

I fucked up making his lunch last night.

I’m telling you this not because he was irritated with me about it, but I’ve been noticing my mind has been slipping slowly the last few days into a different state.

I’m forgetting things people say to me only moments after it’s been spoken.

I convince myself that (as an example) after asking multiple times last night how he wanted his lunch, my head decided to alter what it was he had requested.

Was it done to appease my lack of interest? 
Not at all.

Or at least not intentionally…

I have been talking rapidly.

Before it would have been considered hyper-manic.

I don’t know what personality it is besides “annoying as fuck.”


On the way to the gym last night, I could tell I was starting a bout of extreme word vomit.

Matthew was getting restless next to me. 

As I drove down the road I continued to propel a force of conversation which I couldn’t even control.

He started to slip into his seat.

I could see his jaw tensing as he looked forward at the road.

But I still kept going.

I didn’t know how to stop.
I also, could not see that I was needling at him to read my blog post.

To see the video I made.

He had a hell of a fucking day on the highway in sweltering heat.

He hadn’t even had time yet to read it.

I thought to myself, (as selfish Ashley does) well he approved a comment on the blog so why wouldn’t he take the time to read the stupid thing before accepting the remark?

See, even now as I’m typing furiously, my brow is furrowing and I’m biting at my cheeks.
My cheeks are getting raw inside.

I used to obsessively tear at them with my chompers literally until I bled.

Most the time, the damage was done during work or at school.
I am almost considering this bizarre obsessive compulsive tendency to have been similar to cutting.

I can’t cut in front of people, so to release I suppose I would create pain in a more discreet manner.

I feel like shit about how I treat my husband.

But then the inconsiderate asshole inside me says, wait a minute…

I’ve been holding myself accountable for my actions the last month…

When the fuck is he going to do it himself?

I promised him when we married that I would protect his emotions and I would never allow him to go back to that hard rock he once was.

I have moments however, where I say the same thing towards him in my mind that he used to tell me…

“Must be nice to have a free pass.”



This is nothing short of childish and irrelevant to our life.

It is one thing and one thing only.

A tantrum. 

I want people to suffer like I suffer.

Why do you think Matthew was the person he had become for so many years because of me?

I wanted him to suffer.

Unintentionally, no doubt.

But as the saying goes, “misery loves company.”



I feel like I’ve been working so hard with my daughter and myself when it comes to regulation and accountability that I can’t help but wonder if he feels he needs to practice that too?

It’s not my right to say whether he (or anyone else for that matter) should do so.

The inner conflict I have currently is irritating as fuck.

I am concerned I will trigger him with this blog post and create emotional tension.

I’m making this clear to you all,

I am not writing this for him.

I’m not writing it for you.

I was told by him in the beginning of all this.

“If it makes you feel better getting it out babe, then get it out…”



The migraine which has been pooling up in between my eyeballs has lifted slightly.

I carry panic attacks in my head now, (literally) by the way.

It was always in my chest.

Why it decided to migrate is beyond me.

Take care of yourself.

Take care of the ones you love most.

No matter how angry you are with yourself or even with them for that matter, 
Tell them you love them before you hang up and be selfish.
It’s the only way I know to validate him before I decide to abruptly shove his emotions on the wayside.

Accepting The Faults {My Quintessential Piece To Living With BPD}

I’ve been a fuck up on so many levels.

image

I know I haven’t written in quite some time, but it’s not something which comes freely to me.

I am not paid to do this.

I still run this household and take care of the children while Matthew is away.

But now that I’ve a moment to sit down, I would like to write about a topic which has been weighing in on my mind for some time…

I’ve spoken of selfishness.

My selfishness with emotions and the lack of consideration towards others.

I’ve expressed the need for accountability for one’s actions. Especially living life as a Borderline (personally).

But when is it the right time to move forward?

When can one use that accountability to accept what they’ve done wrong and build a new path to walk down?

I will tell you right now, that I am nearly 29 years of age and only in the last 90 days of my fucking life, have I began to hold myself accountable for anything and everything I’ve ever done wrong to the people I care about most.

Its a shock to the system nonetheless.

To find out that your disease has made you a selfish inconsiderate douche bag is a bit unsettling.

I am truly appalled by my past ignorance.

I can talk about specific dark times,

I could elaborate on manic psychosis states,

but I choose to write about what I am going to do to move forward.

Now that the accountability part has been acknowledged, I can accept those faults and use them as strengths to become a better person.

Many times have I bantered in my own petty mind that I can or cannot accomplish this.

The ‘cannot’ is a load of bullshit spewed out by the weak person within.

The persona who’s convinced she is pathetic, and nobody will love her.

That persona also refuses to hold herself accountable for negative behaviors.

I adore and despise her all the same.

Because when I am feeling weak, she is the persona who comforts me.

I seek solace in her depressive states and desperately pursue the obsessive tenacity to isolate.

How am I suppose to get anything done in life when I allow that part of me to consume everything that allows me to function on a daily basis?

I cant.

Point fucking made.

However….

When I am of logical mind, (meaning my emotions have not yet taken dictative supremacy over my body) I can literally SEE everything I’ve ever done to fuck up in life.

Lately, while I’m in that state of mind, I’ve been actually taking notes on particular situations and validating that accountability.

Once I’ve done that, I tell myself-

Ash- you’ve screwed up bad there. But instead of going into ‘boo-hoo pity me party’ mode, why don’t  you use that acknowledgement and accountability and tell yourself that you should be proud of yourself for seeing that.

It’s been only a few weeks since I’ve approached it this way, but I truly believe its slowly starting to resonate with me.

Accepting my faults has allowed me to see the true beauties within myself.

More days are passing within a week where I am ending a day content with how I regulated, rather than with a severe disdain towards myself.

Accept your faults.

You don’t have to be mentally ill do that.

You only need to see that your faults, are what make you truly captivating and beautiful.

But only after you’ve held yourself accountable and given closure.

Take care.

And Stay Classy.