I’ve sheltered my hurt for too long.
There has been an anger within which gradually has been building up to such a degree that I am beginning to attack Matthew emotionally unintentionally.
I’ve also come to the conclusion now that if I do not express to the world how ill of a person you are and how you hurt our family, that I will eventually take that thriving hatred towards you and end up sabotaging my marriage or worse, fucking up my daugher (more than I already have emotionally) by neglecting her or passive aggressively belittling her when in reality, I want to hurt you.
It has been nearly two months since you defiled my child.
Matthew may be angry with me for posting this.
Someone I loved and trusted my entire life decided on May 5th, 2015, that our son wasn’t up to society’s standards.
We left our son in the hands of someone we had never questioned their safety or trust to go get our wedding rings tattooed to our fingers.
This person, related directly to me, took it upon herself to re- circumsize our son at 7 months of age.
Guy Danger was circumsized in the first week after birth.
The evening we brought him home, we had discovered that regardless of applying ointment before heading home, the gauze had fuzed itself to his penis.
After multiple calls to our OB and several attempts to free the gauze by means of warm compresses or more ointment, the only option was for Matthew to pull it free.
We were reassured he would be fine, but the image after has haunted me.
Our little boy crying hard, tears welling up in Matthew’s eyes as he comforted him; blood dripping down his chest.
It was the hardest thing I had ever experienced as a parent hands down.
Until May 5th that is…
I’ve tried to replay that day countless times, attempting to find a wormhole that would allow me to change history as we know it.
But we all know damn well that isn’t possible.
Rather than describe everything in solid detail from that day, (like the happy part where we watched each other place the last rings we’d ever wear on) I will jump to when Matthew and I went to pick up Guy.
My relative mentioned had been holding Guy. When I asked if I needed to change his diaper, she replied,
“No, but I will send you home with Vaseline for his penis.”
Confused by what she had stated, I naturally opened his diaper to see what was wrong.
I was shocked at what I had seen next.
His penis was severely swollen.
I reacted immediately telling Matthew that Guy had an infection and we needed to go to the doctor immediately.
The relative replied with a very calm and eerie demeanor,
“He does not have an infection. I fixed his penis.”
Even now as I am typing this out, my face is forming into the exact expression it had as those words seeped from her mouth.
Complete and utter hysteria was engrossing my mind.
And yet I stayed calm with my response.
So calm, I have questioned myself still to this day.
My heart was racing faster than I’d ever felt it beat before.
There was an overwhelming urge to hurt her.
But I just married Matthew…
We just admitted to everyone we knew how mentally ill I really was.
Call it a state of shock or an act of humility, but I told her very shortly and with a very calm voice,
” I would appreciate it if you would speak to me before doing something like that again.”
At that point, she proceeded to get up and walk away.
Meanwhile, Matthew and I started gathering Guy’s belongings to head home.
Her three children were in the kitchen and she was making them a snack.
As I was heading out the door, she was cutting apple slices.
Her head hanging downward and arms locked at an angle against her counter, she yelled at the two of us.
“I would never intentionally hurt your child.”
I explained to her that I never implied she would.
Her final statement is what drives my blood to boil even at this moment. It has been the impellent force which has thrusted me to attack Matthew and Keira unintentionally.
“He was deformed and nobody would love him.”
With tears streaming down her face and her children completely confused as to why their mother was so distraught, we exited her home.
It is the last image I will ever have of my sisters face ever again.
The rest of the story since then is pretty well capable of summing up in a few paragraphs.
CPS was called anonymosly most likely by the M.D. who had examined Guys penis the next day.
The doctor had stated that slightly fused skin like that typically corrects itself.
He clarified against her reasoning (one of her sons had fusion in the first two weeks of life) that it didn’t negate correction should remotely be attempted like that at 7 months of age.
We knew our sons circumsicion had not healed to a text book standard.
It was indeed, slightly fused to the top his head.
Neither of us, after seeing how much blood was on Matthew’s chest the day we had to free the gauze, could follow through with pulling down to keep the skin from fusing on a daily basis.
But my sister decided he was deformed.
She honestly thought she was doing him a favor.
This delusional pre set of thoughts are nothing short of demented and disturbed.
We chose not to press charges for a criminal investigation.
Some of you may be asking why the fuck not?
We didn’t want to hurt the family (as a whole) any more than she had hurt ours.
Even though we hadn’t opened a case, CPS had to send it off as a criminal investigation. It had been forwarded (as of roughly 2 weeks ago) to her local police department.
I’m going to say right now I have no clue if there were any consequences to her unforgivable actions.
She lives in a community that houses higher income families.
She has been in a field in which her career choice allows her to earn up to six figure salaries.
I know in my mind and always have, that she will walk away with a slap on her hand.
But let me ask you all this…
If it were you, and your son asks you when he is a teenager, young man, or grown adult-
‘Mom, why is my penis scarred?’
How will I be able to answer that?
Could you ever forgive a person for such an act?
I will not.
I never wish to see you again.
If nothing came of justice, then I certainly say, this is punishment enough.
Punishment in exposing to the world of how truly superficial and monstrous you can be on the inside.
My heart goes to the loss of my brother-in-laws relationship as well as the relationships with my nephews and nieces.
I can move forward now knowing I can’t hurt Matthew anymore. Because I figured out the trigger and have now eliminated it with this last sentence.
Be true to who you are. Never hide even the most irate thoughts, especially from medical professionals.
Those thoughts could be the make or break to your own life, or the life of someone else.
Care Crisis Hotline