Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this situation again.
For the second time in my life, Child Protective Services has an active investigation open against me.
I’m sure most of you outsiders are shaking your head in confusion and shock at the same time.
I will tell you now what I have been telling medical professionals and the world for the last 5 years.
I have never lied about who I am.
Even when my demons were consuming the better parts of me.
As decrepit as my stability was for years, I never once faltered to say I was a pathetic human being.
Because that is exactly what I was.
Notice the past tense?
Please read forward and allow me to elaborate on some key things which have affected my views on my mental stability, my self worth, and my negativities and animosity towards the world.
I’ve been having an intense war within my mind.
The mood swings aggressively change by the hour now.
Matthew and I have decided we cannot anticipate which persona I will embody.
By removing the metaphorical ‘mask’ off my face that I have been wearing my entire life, (even in my childhood) it has literally opened Pandora’s Box.
I have had zero control over this unstoppable force. It has become an intense purging of repressed conscious/subconscious emotions.
I’d like to think that it will mellow out after a few weeks. But I refuse to set expectations of myself or others any more.
Expectations are simple. But when not met, they can crumble a person’s strengths and any will to keep moving forward.
Take this for example.
I love Finding Nemo. It is a classic animated movie loved by multiple generations.
I relate to Dori.
Her simple three word sentence she chants to Marlin as he is literally having a mental breakdown in the carcass of the ocean has had an impact on us worldwide.
”Just Keep Swimming.”
Do not read into it. Do not try to find a deeper meaning to the small yet significant sentence.
She popped into my head this morning after I had a life altering epiphone.
Call it petty and narcissistic, but I am fucking amazing.
I literally have SEEN the life I’ve lived so far and I am only 28 years old.
I have waged through more emotional combat than the average person most likely has within the first 30 years of their life. (Again, narcissism runs deep within a Borderline.)
I have hurt others.
I assaulted my marriage with emotional adultery.
I have battled self medicating.
I am an alcoholic.
I am an addict by all means to temptive impulsivities.
I’ve destroyed finances.
Crumbled family ties.
And was not there for my daughter the first few years of her life.
But before I counteract this lengthy list of proven negative qualities about myself, I will state that without these; I wouldn’t have been able to transform into who I am at this very moment.
Brick needs mortar. A mighty and intimidating fortress can be built to shield against the enemy. The walls could tower 20 feet high and appear impenetrable. Yet all it takes is a small hit in the wall to destroy the fortress.
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”{Newtons Third Law}
This means that for every force, there is a reaction force that is equal in size but opposite in direction.
Let me ask you this. If I was an unstoppable force plowing over anything and everything to satisfy my selfish indulgences, why the hell wouldn’t there be a force equal to that strength waiting for me at some point?
The equivalent and opposing reaction(s) have impaled me in the gut multiple times throughout the years.
I have broken myself.
I have made attempts to rebuild.
But never once in the past did I actually affirm in my mind and soul that I BELIEVED I could do so.
Not until now.
Let me tell you what I saw this morning when I woke up.
I saw the same woman I’ve stared at in the mirror my entire life.
But I finally can SEE who I really am.
Yes I have fucked up royally beyond forgiveness too many times in life. I hold myself accountable for each action.
But because of that ownership, I’ve allowed myself to release that vendetta against the good person within. It was so far overshadowed by the darkness that I refused to open my eyes to see the true beauty and talents which I possess.
I have a gift with words. I know I have a way of writing which forces people to feel. Even if it is uncomfortable. It is nevertheless, a feeling.
I can paint.
I’ve written music.
Taught myself to play the guitar at the age of 13.
I have an impeccable way of photographing humans in their rawest forms. This had become one of my more favored art forms which took longer to convince myself to sabotage simply because it involved giving back to to others.
I have a stunning singing voice.
I have the ability to read people’s emotions even when they think they’ve had the world fooled.
I am an incredible mother.
I cannot make up for the years I neglected Keira emotionally. It just isn’t possible.
I used to view that as a severe regret which fueled a self pity so wretched, it was halting me from moving forward with myself.
With Self Love.
With Self Nurturing.
Keira and Guy are my sole purpose to prove to myself that I am better than my weaknesses.
I am stronger than who I used to be.
And I choose to change now.
But you see, I’ve realized I made that decision over two years ago.
Just like my fitness transformation within the last 3 months of our lives with my husband, you see results and it drives you to want more.
It becomes an obsession.
A lifestyle.
Success and self pride are two things I believe every person desires.
And I can fucking guarantee you that once you free yourself of all the bull shit excuses you’ve used against yourself throughout the years, there is literally nothing that can stop you.
This doesn’t just go for physical health and fitness.
I already know you understand that I speak on a holistic level.
Mind, Body, and Soul.
It is the dawn of a new era. I am not afraid. For I have nothing to hide.
I will be calling CPS this morning to follow up from their voicemail last night. I will most likely have an interview at the house like before.
I am confident that this will dissolve as quickly as it was procured.
May I ask you this last question?
How will you view your life, and the life of others after seeing through the eyes of another?
#perspective
Stay Classy.